Case In Point: “Love Is A Decision – Not An Emotion”

Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing. ~ Anthony Robbins


I recently was told that I pissed off God. It is the reason why I am stuck where I am today – in my life. I stopped complaining about everything. It is of no use to complain about something I cannot do anything about. Instead I decided to praise God for everything in my life – including all the seemingly bad things: my negative thinking and my profanity.

My act of defiance (anger, cussing, swearing against God) is not something I am proud of; but it was a necessary act for me to humble myself to a new surrender. This new surrender, a solution I have been working on for months has brought me to a new level of awareness. It is a path I avoid taking because of the fear of the unknown. The fear is the pain I will feel once I make the decision to walk through the unknown (whatever that may be) in the upcoming months, especially in September.

My act of anger, resentment and hatred against God is that I was in a very dissatisfying relationship with Him. God was not doing what I wanted Him to do thereby causing my defiance. I was only hurting myself. It is as when a child throws a temper tantrum, the only person hurting is the person throwing the tantrum. God was watching me (probably laughing) until I settled down and could move on. God was being God. I was the one causing my own hurt, pain and anger because the things I want are not coming to fruition.

Where do I stand today? I am humbled, at peace with myself. I am calm and serene knowing that my Almight God loves me today, tomorrow and forever! He has always LOVED me as He has done in the past. God is Love! It is forever and continues beyond the eternity of what mankind and I think. God is all things, the beginning and the end. There is nothing else except God. Thereby, my belief in my Higher Power is much more stronger and powerful because of me throwing a “hissy fit” and experiencing a newer surrender.

The thing I realize today I am powerless over people, places, things and how my mind thinks God is not doing what He is supposed to, “as a result” my life had become unmanageable. My life will continue to unfold however way it is supposed to unfold, therefore the pain I am experiencing at this very moment is greater than the pain I am to experience in the future. I am totally powerless and everything about me is unmanageable!

Therefore, love is a decision – not an emotion in that I allow God into my life. He rules accordingly to the perception I have of my life. If I try to control how my life is to unfold, then I will be faced with frustration. If I do what is in front of me and leave the results business to God then I have a good chance it will be a good life.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!

Thank You God for Your Love!

Number ONE (1) Reason: Why I Hate Being Fat; Step One – Admitting Powerlessness

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better. ~ Unknown

I am powerless! I am powerless over people, places and things – including God and my belief in Him. I am powerless over what I think, the fears I have, the lack of control in my life, how everything in my life is unmanageable and that I have to admit to my innermost self that I am powerless over those things!

I recently realized that I am powerless over God. Everything I wanted Him to do, He has not done! I prayed that the rest of my weight be taken off immediately. I think He has been ROTFLHAO – rolling on the floor laughing His ass off! It is not funny when it is happening to you! The other thing is His lack of enthusiasm for producing results in my life – I think He just doesn't give a fuck about what I want!

The problem is: I think! I think too much! That is not my main problem, but that I think at all! I wish I could lose my mind. It is my negative thinking and the ill feelings I get from them that cause me all my problems. I react to what my mind thinks and I shouldn't be held accountable. This brings me to my case in point. Recently the girl I love with all my heart stated to me that I should not be cursing, swearing or be screaming at God. I asked and stated, “Why not? It brings me that much more closer for me to surrender!”

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over (people, places and things) alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. It is “–that” when we admit our lives had become unmanageable we make the decision to surrender. I admit I am powerless over my thoughts, my trying to control God and the results I want from Him – that my life (mind) is unmanageable!

What am I to do now? Living in fear is not an option, therefore eating compulsively is out of the question. I must learn how live with my feelings, voice my thoughts – feelings that come from those thoughts and hopefully diminish their power. I must rely on a Power greater than myself to hopefully save my boney ass. Nothing is so small that my negative thinking cannot blow out out of proportion!

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my SURRENDER!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 2; Step Two – Could Restore Me To Sanity – God Has A Plan!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~ Mother Teresa

I love God, but sometimes He pisses me off so bad that I yell and scream profanities at Him. I am glad God has a sense of humor that He just blows me off (ignores me). I am also happy that He doesn't pay any attention to me when I am depressed, angry and when I want to control my life. Although sometimes I wonder about God and His Infinite Wisdom in regards to how long He takes in getting things done and deliver the things I ask for. I ask, “What the hell is He doing up there?” and “Why is He not taking care of my business down here?”

I also love Mother Teresa, she is an inspiration and someone I aspire to. She once was quoted as saying: “He who is closest to death is closest to God!” I do not want to be that close or anywhere in the immediate vicinity! Which is why the next quote is very appropriate and makes everything I question about what God is not doing a moot point. Don't question God, for He may reply: “If you're so anxious for answers, come up here.” ~ Author Unknown

I decided to let things be. I also realize that all my fears, worries, frustrations and anxiousness in regards to how my life unfolds is none of my business. I have no control of what happens to me tomorrow, the next day or next week, next month or next year. There is nothing I can do except live for today and do the things in front of me!

I must also realize that the only power I have is an empowerment from a Higher Power. Lack of power was my dilemma – I have none, zero, zilch, nada! I do not know what the hell was going on with me recently, but I was insane. I thought if I believed in a Higher Power that He “would” instantly restore me to sanity. That is not the case. Step Two states that a Power greater than myself “could” restore me to sanity. It has not been decided yet! I realize it is not up to me to decide how and when I am to be restored to sanity. I believe I have to align my will to the will of God, then maybe, just maybe will I have a chance. God only knows.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for Your Infinite Wisdom and Knowledge!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 3; Step Three – Made The Decision

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. ~ Victor Hugo

The quote above is how I feel this very moment. I am tired. I am exhausted! I am tired of living this life that seems to be just a life of suffering. The suffering comes from my thoughts. I keep working on faith, hope and a positive attitude for a better life. I am the cause of my own problems. I cannot undo what I have done, so now I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. If I knew how to live life, I would live it; but I don't! It is all screwed up, turned inside out and unmanageable. I don't know what's to happen next, where I am to be, what is to become of my life and the life I want to have. At the moment, I seem to be making the same wrong decision even if I think it's the right one. Just when I think I have a little hope, a glimmer of light in the darkness that is my life, the light goes out.

My soul is on its knees. I am tired and exhausted of trying very hard to do life. I now know the reason why I ate. Life is too hard; dealing with people, places and things makes my feelings – my emotions, my thoughts run out of control. Life is too much! I don't know if I am capable of living it. I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more for relief; but all I get is more torment from my mind. My thoughts are garbage leftovers from my past. When is life going to hand me a better life on a silver platter? I want it easy, no problems, no worries and it is not working out the way I want it!

Sometimes I wish my life could be like the lives of people on TV. Everything, every decision, every answer is given to them and everything works out perfect in the end of the show. Difficulty, no matter how drastic, how bad it might appear always works out in the end for the hero, for the underdog, for the star of the show. My life as it appears right now is like watching the weather report. It is bright and sunny outside, but it feels yucky, cold, damp and dreary in my mind. One minute I am bright and cheerful about life; the next it is doom and despair. My forecast, outlook on life right now, at this very moment appears as if the Armageddon is on the horizon. I want to end my life; to end my feelings of hopelessness, my thoughts of my life being out of control and unmanageable.

I have made the decision to turn my life and will over to the care of God. Now, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I wish someone would give me the correct, right answer. What the hell am I supposed to do with my thoughts, feelings, the lack of trust? How do I build up my faith that God will do something with my life?

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God I still want to live!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 4; Feelings! Nothing More Than Feelings!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


Faith makes all things possible . . . love makes all things easy. ~ Unknown

There comes a time, no matter how well things have been going, that I start to feel a little … desperate. I am feeling it right now. The desperate feeling is my need to be in control or wanting to be in control. I know I am not, yet the feeling of my life being unmanageable, of being powerless over any situation is a physical sensation I do not want or like to feel. Eating compulsively is not an option to escape my feelings of desperation. Drinking alcohol is also not a choice I have today. The only other viable alternative I have is my belief in a Higher Power. It is not good!

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” Page 44. AA Big Book.

No shit! What other choice do I have?

“But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life – or else.” Page 44. AA Big Book.

What is the “ – or else.” ?

I am not doomed an alcoholic death because of not drinking and being sober 26 years. I am not sentenced a compulsive eater's disease of negative thinking - oblivion and despair because of following a food plan, yet setting aside those two questions, why is life so seemingly unsatisfying and filled with frustration? The lack of faith and negative thinking is partly to blame! Lately, the Presence of God is more powerful and present in my life consciousness; it has become the most important fact today. Yet, my life being unmanageable and the lack of control in the fulfillment of events and situations in a timely manner makes a heavy going of my life. What revolutionary change in my way of living and thinking do I have to make in the face of collapse and despair of total failure?

This is my life today, I have a powerful reason why I should have faith; but how do I build upon the faith I have now where the desperation and anxiousness is not so overwhelming? The use of the Serenity Prayer, working of the Twelve Steps, and having faith in my Higher Power is the only answer I seem to have. Admitting I am powerless over my feelings of desperation and that my life is unmanageable is the only thing I am able to do on a minute by minute basis. Having faith that God will take care of me is the hardest thing I have to do aside from walking through the fear of the unknown and of the future! This is partly the same fear that I don't have any faith in myself as an artist.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my faith that You are working in my life!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 5; It's Out In The Universe!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


When you do the wrong thing, knowing it is wrong, you do so because you haven't developed the habit of effectively controlling or neutralizing strong inner urges that tempt you, or because you have established the wrong habit and don't know how to eliminate them effectively. ~ W. Clement Stone

Some people need to get a life! They have nothing better to do than to gossip about something that is none of their business. The one thing I have say about all this is this: “Kiss my boney ass and go screw yourself!” Am I one to carry a resentment about this “shit”? Absolutely NOT! This is my way of venting anger. If I did carry a resentment it would manifest itself violently. Instead I “let go” of whatever crap people do and wait for “karma” to return to them. Eventually it will, it is just a matter of time. Do I wish this on them? Nope! I have to do nothing, nothing at all! The Universe runs on its own power and time frame. It does not need any help from me.

I am not perfect! I am far from it and perhaps I am far more “evil” than imperfect that people make me out to be. But, at least I stay out of other people's business. I do not go around gossiping about how they are doing this or that; I don't care. I have my own problems – thank you very much! I don't need to have my “crap” that is absolutely none of their business be talked about. If I want someone to know; they can either come and ask me themselves or I will tell them. I don't need my personal business told to people other than the people I tell or if they read it themselves here!

I have been talking about it for a long time. I just hadn't found the “ideal” (right) person to do it with until recently! I wrote a couple of blog posts as vision blogs about it. If you must know and really want to know – you are reading it here first. The fact is the girl I love with all my heart and I are getting married!

For those of you out there that have to talk about it. I will tell you my “secret” to finding a beautiful person (mate) as the girl I love with all my heart. Just as any 12 Step program is a program of attraction, you must become the person of attraction that you wish to attract! I not only worked at losing the weight (physical) but also the spiritual and mental (emotional) aspect of my life. I worked on all three as well as having to surrender my need for a relationship. I had to “let go” and “let God” and let Him do what He does best. God wants me to have everything that I desire; it is only when I align my will (Step 3) with that of God that I realize the miracles in my life.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for the miracles!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 6; Not Knowing Whether To Laugh Or Cry

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


Tragedy and comedy are but two aspects of what is real, and whether we see the tragic or the humorous is a matter of perspective. ~ Arnold Beisser

I am deeply in love with the girl I love with all my heart … she laughs at my silly jokes, insights and smiles at me when I am just myself. We support each other in a multitude of ways, not just by being in a relationship; but by accepting each other's imperfections.

Relationships are hard things to fathom, especially when one or both have issues, history and experiences opposite of the other; yet we are attracted to each other because of LOVE! We enjoy each other's company, by spending time participating in life, in recovery and getting to know one another. It is the mysteries of life, perplexing issues, spiritual growth unseen that can cause fear. We both seem to be dealing with people from our past. Closing up past issues and working on personal problems while trying to start a new life together can be a daunting experience.

Then there are people who cannot seem to let go, be able to move on, and / or accept our relationship. This is the hardest thing for me. Giving up control, learning to accept fear as a part of this experience, knowing that my life is unmanageable as well I am powerless over people, places and things is a constant reminder of how life is very messy. Yet, it is the experience of life that brings joy, fulfillment and happiness.

A friend once told me this: Everything whether bad, evil and indifferent is necessary; it is because of these things that the good things in life look much better and seem much more wonderful that we are able to understand that this too shall pass.

Lately, I have been learning a great deal about my spirituality, especially in regards to my faith and trust in God. In the past, I have cussed at, been pissed off at, ignored and sometimes forgotten God. Has God ever forgotten me? Sometimes, I think He has. I wonder about His infinite wisdom in putting me through the fuckin' crap I have been going through lately. What exactly am I supposed to learn from this? I have no fuckin' idea, except that eating compulsively and drinking myself to death are not the answer. It is my relationship with God that I am learning more about myself and about the relationship I have with my Higher Power. How well I trust and have faith in God is how well I trust and have faith in myself in having the proper perspective and attitude about life. I am the cause of my own problems, the devil did not make me do it and God is surely not testing me if I pass or fail. It is through the Grace of God that I am able to persevere life.

Yesterday was a very hard day for the girl I love with all my heart and myself, yet the Love God has given us keeps us in love with each by being patient, understanding and loving toward one another. We cannot blame God, ourselves or anyone else. It is our perception of life and of ourselves that will either make us laugh or cry.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for our laughter and tears!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 7; Tragedies of War

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die – whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness. ~ Gilda Radner

I feel like I am drowning! Life at times is so consuming that I can barely breathe. I cannot seem to catch up with life and all the things I want to do and get done. I am always running, running here and running there; trying to accomplish all my errands, tasks, honey-do's and at the same time do all the maintenance stuff – laundry, bills, visit family, friends – have a social life. Then there are the meetings, the weighing and measuring of my food, chopping and cutting up of vegetables; preparation of the measly amount of protein – meal planning. Then comes all my service commitments – such as being Secretary of a meeting, Intergroup Representative and Treasurer, Area 1 Representative and Sponsoring. Then there is the service I do at Special Events such as the Saturday Night Socials, the Global Convention and Retreats. What about my relationship? What about my relationship with the girl I love with all my heart?

Am I complaining? NO! But, there is a tragedy in my life that must become a priority. It is the creative aspect of my life. It has lately become a statistic along with not having enough time to do my power walk and write in my blogs. Lately, I have been too tired and exhausted. There is not enough time in a given day for everything. I gave up a couple of commitments so I would have more time to enjoy life, especially spend time with the girl I love with all my heart, but there is always something else popping up that needs to get done.

On top of all this is my endeavor in looking for a new job, to relocate to Orange County and move in with the girl I love with all my heart. There is a need for a reassessment of priorities – by having a positive mental attitude in regards to our lives and the vision of where we see our lives in the near future. It is very hard juggling everything while at the same time waiting for something to come through – like a new job. I have been praying, visualizing and maintaining a positive attitude at the same time taking action.

The life I have today is a gift, a fuckin' miracle; but the problems are sometimes so overwhelming that I feel like running away, hiding underneath a boulder, in a closet, underneath the covers of our bed. What am I to do? I take it one minute at a time, sometimes one second at a time. I also work at having the trust and faith that God did not bring us this far to throw us off the cliff. It is my mind that causes the tragedy in my life, the negative thinking that takes me into the pit of despair. I refuse to go there. I persevere by working on my spirituality of living, one minute, one second at a time.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my problems; I do not want anyone else's, for there is always someone else worse off then I am at this very moment.


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 8; Visioning A Vision Blog For The Future

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


I think there is something, more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers, there aren't enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision. ~ W. Clement Stone

The future begins right now! I decided to write about the future; not to daydream about a fantasy, but to actually see the future and what it holds for me right now: the present. I chose to write what I believe is my third vision blog. I also chose “Reason 8” because it is my favorite number. I am into the numbers game. I believe, as it was said in the movie: The Secret, that the Universe is so precise that man can calculate to a fraction of a second what it has attempted in conjunction with the natural mechanism of the Universe.

I write for me! My recovery begins with me. If I extend a hand to my fellow man who suffers, then we both have a greater chance to recover; therefore, I dedicate this post to my friend, Claudia M. a faithful reader who said “Finally!”

Life has been very busy lately that I haven't had a chance to write. People inspire me. I cannot do this alone, like the girl I love with all my heart; she recently attended a religious service which made me aware of the little “signs” or signals the Universe is putting out to me. I listened. I listen to the smallest and unimportant situations. I keep an open mind at every life event and try to look for and see all the coincidences – of how my life unfolds.

. . . the girl I love with all my heart, in her attending the religious service gave me the insight that I must align my will to that of my Higher Power. God wants me to have everything that I desire, everything that I may want and need; but how do I get it?

I looked at my present life. I am amazed at what has occurred in my life. I had to go back into Strange Mental Blank Spots and make sure I was telling the truth. I cannot believe the amount of recovery I have attained and the fear I have overcome. Everything that I always wanted in a loving relationship I have received. It started with writing it down. I wrote down everything I wished for in a mate. The miracle is I got everything I wanted and more! I cannot believe it!

Read about the girl I love with all my heart here: “ideal” and here: “perfect”.

Now it is time for me to go write my post for Strange Mental Blank Spots titled: A Vision Blog For The Future.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my imagination – I can have anything I want!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 9; Top Ten Reason Why I Should Abstain From Compulsive Eating; Reasons 5 – 1

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


What makes life worth living is knowing that one day you'll wake up and find the person that makes you happier than anything in the whole world. So don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guy always wins. ~ Unknown


Reason Number 5: Gratitude! I am grateful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon me. It is amazing the Power of an Awesome God who knows all. The miracles given to me daily have been just that – fuckin' miracles! Not to weigh 417 pounds; not have a multitude of physical ailments plaguing me are only a few of the reasons I am grateful.

Reason Number 4: I have hope. Today, I have hope that I can recover from this seemingly hopeless disease. When I was in the disease of compulsive eating, I ate to escape life. I had nothing to live for, had no purpose, no reason to live. Today, I have a Higher Power that sustains and loves me even when I think He doesn't. It is my negative thinking that keeps me in despair. I escape my negative thinking by not listening to my mind.

Reason Number 3: I have a greater faith. I am not longer ashamed of believing in my Higher Power. I pray before each meal, during the day, before driving to my destination. God goes with me wherever I go. The thing I do differently now is I believe. I believe in a Higher Power and I believe He can sustain me through anything.

Reason Number 2: I have a Higher Power. I use my Higher Power to guide and carry me on my path. I rely on my Higher Power to keep me abstinent, to give me strength in the face of fear and despair. It is the blind faith that I continue to work on to build the trust I need to believe. When I align my will with that of my Higher Power, life becomes a great deal easier to handle.

The Number One (1) Reason for why I should abstain from compulsive eating is LOVE! I definitely have love in my life – love for myself, for living, for God and from God, and from the girl I love with all my heart. She is a miracle in my life, a miracle given to me by working this program in the three areas of my life – mental, physical and most importantly spiritual. Thank You God.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for all the blessing in my life!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 10; Top Ten Reasons Why I Should Abstain From Compulsive Eating; Reasons 10 – 6

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, and Love to complete your life. ~ Unknown


Reason Number 10: Eating compulsively will make me fat, ugly and unbearable. No matter how much I tell myself that one more bite will not kill me; it will hurt. It is only a matter of time. It does not matter if I lie; it matters that I lie to myself. To believe the lie is my obsession of wanting to make it into the truth. Food never fixed anything in my life, it only give me another reason to eat.

Reason Number 9: Being fat, ugly and unbearable is no reason to eat. Acceptance of people, places and things, including myself, the way I am at this very moment is how I am able to allow God to work in my life. Once I stop eating, immediately the fog begins to clear and life starts to look a lot clearer. The life I had at 417 pounds was not living. Today, I am more alive than ever.

Reason Number 8: Being out of control is also not a good reason to eat compulsively. Sure, I can start my diet on Monday, but what about right now? Yes, I have decided to start tomorrow, but what about if it never comes? There is never a good time unless it is the present. The time to start living is right now, this very moment.

Reason Number 7: Serenity! One word says it all. To find peace within my own skin, to interact with others in a very kind, generous way is to know and live love. Acting out of control only brings more chaos and despair. Serenity is acceptance. I am at peace with the world. I find no fault, no hatred with myself or others. I am one with God and mankind.

Reason Number 6: It is all about me! It is all about “Slim” and his character defects. I may not be the most perfect human being, but I am close to it. God did not make garbage. He created me for a purpose, that purpose is to be of utmost service to my fellow human being and carry the message of recovery. I can only keep it if I give it away. Identification with another sufferer, no matter what ails us together we can recover.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my recovery!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 11; The Middle Ground

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Lao Tzu

There is quite a distance between wondering and knowing, it's a road I don't want to travel, if at all. I am avoiding the path by screwing around with things I have surrendered and taken back; like artificial sweeteners. It is not the artificial sweeteners that bug the crap out of me; but that the damn white sweet powder (my obsession) imposes itself in my life becoming a barrier to enlightenment and fulfillment.

It has been a few days since I have given up the artificial sweetener in a yellow packet. I don't do the blue or the pink ones on the basis that they are made totally out of chemicals. Since the stuff in the yellow packet is made from real sugar; it is calorie free, and suitable for people with diabetes I thought it would be okay to use as much as I want. That is not the problem. The problem is that I use other substances with the artificial sweetener, like half and half with my coffee. Although I am not gaining any weight, I am not losing any either. And that pisses me off!

It is always a debate on whether I choose to make the right decision. My negative thinking wants to destroy me while on the other side is God's grace to save my boney ass. I am always wanting to side with the easier softer way, but there isn't any. This is no easier softer way. There is nothing else except to kill myself or drive myself crazy eating myself to oblivion.

This comes to finding and loving the perfect person in myself because there is no such person, but to accept the imperfect being that I am. I may sway to the right; I may sway to the left; the object is to find the middle ground. I forgive myself for my mistakes. I try to make less of them as I go along and try not to repeat them. Sometimes, my stubbornness, my defiance, my rebelliousness will keep me from recovering and accomplishing my goals. Fear of the unknown and my negative thinking also keep me from living a full life. I am persistently working on overcoming my fear of success. I do this by knowing myself and how I operate.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my acceptance of who I am!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 12; The Literature People Do NOT Read V

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. ~ Jean Rostand


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“But in CEA-HOW the only way to continue the process, to risk the process, is by losing all the weight. Weight provides us with a buffer zone. When it is gone, we are suddenly out there, with all our flaws. Weight loss demonstrates that we are no longer afraid to be who our Higher Power has wanted us to be all our lives.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

I am totally in love! I am totally in love with the girl I love with all my heart. There is no one else, no one better I would rather do battle than, than with her. I have met my match! I can be myself, let my guard down, knock down all the walls I have built up protecting myself from the world. I am not ashamed to show my feelings and be who I am!

But, who am I?

At meetings, I qualify as a compulsive eater. “My name is Slim and I am a compulsive eater!” I have the disease of compulsive eating, but I am not my disease just like when I stated that I am not the fat on my body when I weighed 417 pounds. Who will I be when I weigh 200 pounds and maintaining my weight loss?

In my lover's quarrel with the girl I love with all my heart, it is not about who is right or wrong! It is also not about who is to blame. I will and most certainly admit defeat each and everytime. As I have as much a part (51%) in it as she does (49%). I just want to be heard, not necessarily understood, but to be heard! When I am in my disease of compulsive eating, the only thing I hear are the negative voices in my head; the voice of being a victim of how the world did not treat me right and what I did not get from it.

Relationships, especially those in recovery are most difficult to understand and maintain. For myself, not only did the weight (fat) provide a buffer zone from the world; it guaranteed more of a barrier from the feelings I am to feel. When that weight is gone, the only things left are raw, exposed nerve endings snapping in the wind like broken down electrical power lines. Along with raw emotions are also the feelings of fear, uncertainly and the inexperience of not knowing how to deal with relationships. This includes a relationship with oneself

As an artist, I am not what I do for a living, yet, it is a big integral part of who I am. For most of my life I have avoided who I am as an artist. I am in total fear when I make a piece of artwork, exposing my beliefs, thoughts and the beauty of how I see the world. I am inspired by the girl I love with all my heart when she tells me that she loves me, that she believes in me and what I do. I am so grateful to God for the girl I love with all my heart being in my life. I can see myself as she mirrors her own fears and insecurities of the person she does not know – herself. I am in awe of the overwhelming and impressive understanding that God in his infinite wisdom put us together as a couple. I know that I am far from perfect and that the girl I love with all my heart is not perfect, but as a couple we are perfect for each other. We both work strong programs, especially Al-Anon. As a compulsive eater, I eat over people, places and things. It is the feelings, my reactions to life situations that make my flaws that much more apparent to the world. Today, I am more readily able to accept myself the way I am. As I continue down the scale, with the weight loss I am no longer afraid to be what God has always wanted me to be. I am an artist, a person in recovery and a partner in a relationship that is loving and forgiving.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for Al-Anon!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 13; The Literature People Do NOT Read IV

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ~ Mark Twain


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“CEA-HOW is not a race to thinness. It is steps to wellness. If we wish to testify to that wellness we will lose the weight and then get involved in the steps and service. If we do not lose the weight, we cannot do an “end run” in CEA-HOW by protesting that the program is “not about the weight.” It is as much about weight as AA is about being free of alcohol.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

Note from the Universe.

It reads:

The number one reason most people don't start what they want to start is because they think their simple, little efforts won't even dent the mountain they wish to move.

But little do they know that’s exactly how the mountain was formed.

I was there - The Universe

I am exhausted! I am tired. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have been moving this damn mountain for so long, I am totally exhausted. I am not even close to being done. Moving the mountain of fat from my body in the beginning was easy, it just melted off my body. Now, for almost four months I have been shoveling and it does not appear that I am getting anywhere. I am doing the same food plan and eating the same thing. It is getting boring. I am getting restless. I have no motivation for the things I used to do, like power walking. It is too damn hard, too damn hot to go out and walk where I reside. I am too exhausted in the morning to get up and go out early. It is no one's fault – except that I am totally unmotivated and don't seem to care.

I am at a point in my life where changes are about to occur. Maybe, I am standing vigilant watching - observing. I am watching and waiting for the “other shoe” to drop! Fear, like food is cunning, baffling and powerful; it sneaks into my life and being subtle as fog rolling into the stillness of the night. It moves silently, unnoticed appearing out of nowhere.

I am at the turning point! I will not leave before the miracle happens. I will work and do the program whether I feel like it or not. I will keep going! Good things are beginning to occur in my life. Eating will not make them come any faster or make my life easier for me to handle them. I must persevere.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my fortitude and patience!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272

Reason 14; The Literature People Do NOT Read III

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. ~ Mark Twain


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“The operant phrase in CEA–HOW is “Many are called but few are chosen.” What we may not realize is that we choose ourselves. If we are not chosen it is because we have foregone our spiritual choice.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

I live in a couple of fantasy worlds: one is the thought of having my favorite cake in the world – German Chocolate Cake; two are the thoughts that things will happen on their own!

Wow! Am I in for a rude awakening! The total shock will fall on me like a ton of bricks. I know; I choose not to have my favorite dessert. It's the other fantasy that has me worried.

The thing about my thoughts is that I choose not to act out on them. I have a thinking problem with an inactive ability to do nothing. I think, I think, and I think some more; but do I act out on the things I want to occur? It seems today is the slowest day on earth. I am very busy doing something, but nothing gets done. I have been behind for a while in writing for the DP (Daily Pitch). I can never seem to catch up. I think there is something deeper, a deeper problem why I haven't been able to catch up and maintain my writing.

A friend calls me up and asks, “How is the fear?”

I respond with a sure and upbeat answer. “The fear is not there, but it is my ass that I am trying to get to catch up with my thinking!”

I think about my response as I am talking to my friend. Am I really trying that hard? Is fear really gone from my being, or is it hidden in the shadows of my heart, mind and soul? As I think about right now, I seem to be very disorganized and have no priorities set. I must focus. It is difficult to set my sights on a target when my attention span is of a goldfish – 3 seconds.

My abstinence was really going great when life unexpected as it comes decided to pile up and gridlock like the 405 Freeway. Then everything went to back to normal. I had made the decision to “eat out” at a restaurant abstinently. We all know that “eating out” you get more than the food plan allows; even though quote unquote it is “abstinent!” My mind was not prepared to deal without the scale. I ate at my normal eatery, ordered my abstinent food; then life got messier. My “clean abstinence” experiment of not “eating out” went afoul. It was thrown out the window because I did not prepare for life's unexpected turns. I failed to plan, therefore I planned to fail!

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for Outreach Calls!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272