Reason 37; Standing In The Dark

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Quest of Goal Weight – 200 Pounds


The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure. ~ Sven Goran Eriksson

Accomplishing the three goals I have set out for myself – achieving one year of abstinence, power walking the Los Angeles Marathon, finishing my ceramic pieces for a group art exhibition; I am bored. Recently, I gave myself the mission to achieve goal weight. I am not motivated. I have lost my impetus for life and recovery.

“There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight.” Page XXVIII, The Doctor's Opinion, AA Big Book.

The fear of success is the fear of failure. I am paralyzed. I don't want to continue. I don't have the drive to do anything. I want to be what I mostly eat – a vegetable, in a coma. I don't want to feel anything, think about anything and do anything. I am stuck in a rut! I've decided to redecorate, rearrange the furniture having decided to stay awhile.

But, this is very unlike me. This is where the “open-minded-ness” of the program works for me. I was having a dialogue with the girl I love with all my heart about a conversation she had with a very wise young lady. I interrogated her about the questions she asked. In the her discussion, she had asked herself two questions. What have you done with your life since you started program (for me it is being abstinent)? Why are you doing this program (abstinence) if you are not progressing?

Ouch! That really hurt.

It got me to thinking. I am afraid. I am full of fear of who I am to become; to achieve another dream I have had since joining this program – to be at maintenance weight. Up until this last year, the previous nineteen years I treated this program as a diet rather than a way of life. I must change my attitude about that if I am to get to maintenance weight and remain there. Eating compulsively is no longer an option; staying abstinent and changing my life is.

Reason 38; Walking To The Edge

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Pursuit of Goal Weight – 200 Pounds


It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe. ~ Unknown

The easy part is getting started. The hardest part is staying on course once you start. Being addicted to any substance for me is just as difficult as my original addiction. I have had to give up several things in life; some easy; some not so. I often think how life might have been had I continued on my trek of substance abuse. Would I still be alive? And if I were, in what state of emotional, physical and spiritual would I be in? The act of surrender for me is on a moment by moment basis; especially with certain items that I put into my body. Once I have been beaten down to a pulp, where there isn't an ounce of self-will, will-power or inner strength to continue with my addiction will I finally surrender. Even when I have been left for dead do I still continue to thirst, crave, hunger, beg, demand, ache, itch, lust, yearn and cry out for more. I will die for my addiction, unless kills me first.

The act of defiance is to covet for the ability to eat like a normal person. Rebelliousness is envy of wanting to eat as much as I desire and not have to pay the consequences. Both directly confront my act of surrender by the use of negative thinking and denial of a problem. When I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous almost twenty-six years ago, the thought of having a problem with drinking was not the issue. I had a problem with life. My attitude toward life was full of misery and despair. After quitting drinking, my addiction switched over to compulsive eating. A great deal of recovery occurred because of my surrender of alcohol; but along the way I parlayed my worse character defects to the addiction of compulsive eating.

The lack of surrender can be totally justified. I find having to deal with the devil three times a day for the past year has proved physically exhausting, spiritually depleting, emotionally wrecking havoc on my life. Dealing with food on a daily basis is not as easy as it sounds. I must work intensely at maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power so if I run into trouble it will sustain me in staying abstinent. But food in itself is not the problem, it is my addictive behavior, the behavior itself that is the cause for my anguish, restlessness, discomfort in my recovery. I will search for something I can abuse. It is not what I am eating or what is eating me; but that I want to hurt myself.

Reason 39; Next Indicated Step to the Leap of Faith

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Striving to Goal Weight - 200 Pounds


Change starts when someone sees the next step. ~ William Drayton

I am often reminded of life when I go into the past and look at the things I have done, the places I have been, the life that I wish I could have had. It is not an easy thing to look at, especially with the time I wasted eating myself to oblivion or death. The recent thoughts are an indication of where I am at today. I feel as if I have been on a three hour tour. This brings up the memory of when I used to watch the TV sitcom Gilligan's Island, where the comedic adventures of seven castaways attempt to survive and ultimately escape from a uninhabited island. For me, the uninhabited island is the disease of compulsive eating. I often placed myself in the place of the characters as a child watching this show. I wondered how did the cast and crew marooned on an island find enough food for everyone?

The thoughts of a compulsive eater are not exactly in reality or in fantasy. I live in an illusion of fear, compressed by negative thinking and other forms of morbid reality. Most of the time I question why am I here? What is my purpose in life? What is the next indicated step I am supposedly to take? Why is God taking so long to get me the things that I want? What does He want from me? I have no answers! I feel as if my life is in suspension. I am floating in space not moving anywhere. I am stuck in a rut and I have decorated it to my comfort level.

It now sucks.

I woke up this morning not realizing I still had one sponsee left. I am not such a loser after all. I went back to sleep after the message machine picked up. I haven't been doing what I am supposed to do. My self-will is running riot, it has been out of control since I took back the artificial sweeteners. I am an addict, not just to the crap; but to feeling sorry for myself, being self-destructive and not being able to do anything about it. I decided to make the change once and for all.

I decided to clean up my shit! I decided to stop doing the behavior. WOW! What a concept?!?! I have set a new goal for myself, to reach goal weight. There are many factors that have contributed to this decision. For those of you out there in my mind taking bets that I will fail, guess again! It is not going to happen! I may not know what the hell I am doing in life or where it will lead, but at least I know I will be svelte getting there!

Reason 40; Taking the Leap of Faith

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – One Year


Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become. ~ Unknown

I usually live my life in the benefit of the doubt. I never know what is going to happen. Usually it is my own stupidity (thinking) that gets me in trouble. I decided to power walk the Los Angeles Marathon; twenty-six point two miles of fear and doubt. It started with a resentment. It turned out to be a blessing in that I would accomplish a dream I have had all my life. I went to the race not knowing what the hell I was doing, if I would make it to the end or if I would fail. I showed up regardless.

I notice that most of my life I have lived that way, not really making a decision. Like when I first believed in my Higher Power, I acted as if. When I first started my abstinence, I acted as if I knew what the hell I was doing. I didn't. My sponsor said I had to do this and that (seven tools) and call in my food. I really wasn't sure of my willingness, but I did it anyways.

Somewhere along the way, I am not sure where; I decided to change everything about my life, my attitudes, my thinking about food. I am not sure why I decided or how it came about; but I would practice everything I learned in AA into this program. Was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself?

Recently, everyone that I have worked with in this program have moved on, fallen off the wagon or simply stopped calling me. It is okay. I am still here, abstinent; BUT hanging by a thread. I do not like where I am at, in a place where other forms of obsessions have taken over my mind and my life. It is something that has been bothering me for quite sometime. Maybe, it is because I feel like a loser; in that I had given up artificial sweeteners and now I am in the midst of my addiction. I am a full blown addict!

My abstinence from compulsive eating has been getting messy, blurred in that I have “let go” some of the things I used to do on a daily basis. I have been busy with life, wanting to change it; but it has not come because I am in fear. I am in fear of who I am to become and what my life is to be. I must give something up in order for something else to enter my life – one door closes and another opens. How willing am I to surrender?

Reason 41; Leap of Faith

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 1 to One Year


Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

My mind cannot help itself. I wonder about things, different things in my life. Like why do they happen the way they do? Lately, it has been a struggle. The struggle is not with food or with life; but with sweeteners – artificial sweeteners. I am an addict. I have made the realization that I am addicted to the white powdery stuff. I mostly use it with other substances, like with coffee with cream, yogurt, etc. It is not the white dust that bothers me; it is my mind. I don't like the way it has been controlling my life. My mind is obsessed with how things taste with the white substance. Even cheap coffee tastes better with the damn stuff once the half and half is added.

I had given up the white shit before, surrendered just like that (snap of the fingers)! Now it is freakin' difficult to give it up again. Even though I have not gone back totally to drinking cases of diet soda like before, clarity of mind, purity of heart (intention), abstinence from compulsion is blurred because of my obsession of compound properties; this means if I give up the white substance I will easily drop other substances I use with it from my intake.

It started with one diet soda. I was really dying (exaggeration of a feeling I was having at the time) of thirst. Mind you, I could have purchased a bottle of water; but that was not what I really wanted. I wanted the taste of the diet soda in my mouth. Like an alcoholic who yearns for a beer on a hot day, (I have had a few thoughts come and go in my almost 26 years of sobriety) I could taste the diet soda as my mouth watered at the thought. This is the moment I knew I had a problem.

Everyday I want to quit, yet I am hopeless at the thought of not dumping packets into my hot favorite beverage. I give up easily to the temptation. Am I stuck in a rut? Are the other ingredients keeping me at the weight of where I am at? Is my lack of surrender causing me to remain in “fat serenity” and not continue to lose the rest of my weight? Artificial sweeteners are kicking my ass! How far down and beat up do I have to be spiritually, mentally and physically before I surrender?

Reason 42; The Fuckin' “F” Word!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 4 to One Year


Keep your fears to yourself but share your courage with others. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

One of my brothers used to say, “If it is not one fuckin' thing, it's a fuckin' another!” I always thought of it being funny because I felt it was my life. Life is a series of problem solutions to problems; for example, I recall telling my AA Sponsor that I was lonely and wanted a companion, a friend – to be more exact I wanted a girlfriend. Then when I finally had a girlfriend, I was complaining that I didn't have time to myself or that she was too high maintenance. I was always doing something for “her” and not for myself. My sponsor replied that my solution was just another “problem solution” for the problem at hand. It gave me another problem! I respectfully gave him my “fuck” grin not saying a word to him.

This is my problem today: the mother of all “f” words, FEAR. It has kept me from experiencing life to its fullest. I am either in fear of losing of something I have or not getting what I want. It is a never ending. I can easily acquire my fears, but I cannot dispel them that quickly. It takes a lot of courage, determination and perseverance. It is a battle I face everyday the moment I wake up in the morning. It begins with my first meal. Food is an easy, legal drug that will instantly block feelings, thoughts and prevent me from participating in life. In massive amounts it can kill; in other amounts it will cause a person to become a leper in society.

Even if people do not do it consciously, silent discrimination is rampant among the obese. I have been biased against the overweight, fat, obese and morbidly obese. The thing I hate in others is the thing I hate in myself. I am very judgmental, even when I try not to be I am and I hate that about myself. I am constantly seeking the help of my Higher Power to remove that character defect. It is not easy letting go. Fear paralyzes me holding my life back.

Reason 43; Additional Important Information

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 5 to One Year


Three rules of work: out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. ~ Albert Einstein

Confusion! It is the clutter in my mind that sends my life into chaos. I cannot make a decision when I have too many choices. It is my self-will that wants to control my life and its outcome. Rather than let God have a voice in my decision, I choose to try to figure out what is the best possible outcome. It is a daunting ordeal to experience what is going on in my head. With all that is happening in my life, the life I wish to have with the girl I love with all my heart; it can get very complicated juggling schedules, work and when we can have sex. I don't know about anyone else, but eating my way through life did not leave much time for romance or intimacy. I had to learn the hard way, trial and error. Sex is very much like eating compulsively; it can consume a person and a person's life. It can fill a void where no other thing can be a substitute. But love and sex are two entirely different things.

The way a person tastes food is the same as partaking in the intimacy of sex. It is a two way street where love is exciting, adventurous and passionate. It fills the senses, simulates the soul and tingles the body causing chills to surface. This can occur when I take a bite of something tasty and delicious. The experience can be a very intense, majorly intense in the excitement of tasting a person's desire or the craving of a certain food item. All a person has to do is think about the taste and texture and it can cause a quake inside a person's body. This hunger precipitates the person's inner voice melting the heart and softening the spirit and soul. Food like sex can instigate a shudder, feelings of intense magnitude turning lust and passion to become one. It is the chemistry of two people brought together by God that ignites the fervor and ecstasy of the union.

As with abstinence, sex practiced with restraint is a God given practice. If it is abused, then it can become like food, cunning, baffling and powerful. But if held in the beauty of two people who love each other it can be a feeling so overwhelming that only love can be felt in the intimacy of two people sharing the physicality of a human experience. Food provides nothing, only fuel to live. Love on the other hand is the spark that flames life. When I am with someone, it is the only time I think about the spirit of someone else. It is being of service to someone else that I become selfless rather than selfish. It is the only time where my mind thinks clearly about pleasing someone else rather than myself.

Reason 44; Where There Is A Will, There's God!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 6 to One Year


The first duty of love is to listen. ~ Anonymous

Exit! That is the first thing I want to do when I am faced with the truth or something that I don't want to deal with. Running away from my problems is just as easy as running away from my feelings. Eating is one way I used to cope with my feelings of fear. I thought I could hide them like dust underneath the carpet.

To face my fears, I must first be willing to look at them. I ask myself why am I wanting to run away? What will happen if I face them? Will God help me when I can't help myself? What is the worse thing that can happen?

If my best thinking got me to 417 pounds, then I must assume that any answer I come up with will be invalid. Fear usually runs my life, unless I consciously make the extreme effort for a conscious contact with my Higher Power will I succeed in accomplishing the task at hand. The trouble I run into is within my mind. If I listen to the voices in my head I am bound to fail at anything in life; but if I listen to that inner voice in my gut, the one deep within my spirit and soul then I am listening to the voice of God that is within all of us.

The other method I use to avoid life is denial. I don't want to hear it! It does not exist if I don't pay attention to it. The hard reality is hard to take when it is the unknown. But, that little voice deep inside me keeps me wanting to say it. I am going to say it . . . come September 2009, during that month the girl I love with all my heart will be moving in together! I don't know how it is going to happen, but where there is a will, there is God!

Reason 45; Getting Off The Cross

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 7 to One Year


The exact contrary of what is generally believed is often the truth. ~ Jean de la Bruyere

It is really difficult to get off the cross when you have been on it for so long. It is a place where I volunteer to be the victim, the martyr because being co-dependent is the thing to do. The cross is where I feel I am serving a purpose, a need, a place where I feel worthy. My problem is the lack of glory or fame for my sacrifice that I don't receive; I need to feel good about myself for which I have no self-esteem. I rely on being the victim for my value.

What did I do to deserve this? Why am I a compulsive eater? Why can I not eat like a “normal” person? When is life going to get easier than the hell I have been going through? ”So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic (compulsive eater) is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.” Page 62. AA Big Book. My “shit” life is the only thing I know, the pain of a living hell is the life I have made for myself. I dwell on the negative, the doom and gloom of the future. I have been brainwashed into thinking the world is going to come to an end, so why even bother? There is no use in living. Not true at all!

It has taken me a very long time for me to stop pointing the finger. I pointed it at God, at other people, at myself for the bad luck, my misfortune and my lot in life. I never accepted or took the blame. It was their fault for how my life turned out. It was not until I realized that what I give to the world (Universe) the world (Universe) will give to me. For every negative thought I put out; for every statement I make about my life or about my living situation, that thought, that statement made it into a reality. I needed an attitude adjustment.

My life started to become better when I accepted where I was at in my life. Instead of living in the negative, I thought about the positive things in my life. I began to have hope that my life could become better. As things started to improve in my life I began to have faith that God was working my life. I began to align my will to that of my Higher Power.

Reason 46; September 2009

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 8 to One Year


Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. ~ James Matthew Barrie

What am I willing to do, to give up, to surrender to have my dreams come true?

There are so many things that I want, sometimes I think about them a lot, most of them selfishly, others not. One of them I think about all the time. I think. I dream; wish upon a star; a wishbone. I visualize. I pray. I meditate. I surrender; turn it over, give it to God. Then I do what every obsessive compulsive person does – then I take it back! I do everything humanly possible I know to get what I want, yet it has not happened! I put out it into the Universe by speaking about it to groups of people. Why is God taking so long for this to occur? What do we have to do to make this thing happen?

Then the answer came! “The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others ...” Page 164. AA Big Book. But I have doubts. What about if we don't get what we want?

With the disease of compulsive eating, I find I have a multitude of problems. Aside from negative thinking, I also possess the disease of “more” the need to want more; the disease of “instant” gratification – I want and I want it now; and short term memory – I forget I am a compulsive eater! The thing is I doubt God, when I know exactly (for damn sure) that God can produce the necessary results. I realize I am living in fear. Everything in my life is based on fear! The fear of losing what I have and the fear of not getting what I want. If I don't do nothing then I get nothing. If I always do what I always did, I always get what I always got!

The answer is I must create the visual blog of what I want September 2009 to look like – it is not enough to do the things I have already listed. My vision blog of a perfect woman is now a reality. God brought her to me . . . the girl I love with all my heart. Thank You God for all You have given me.

Reason 47; I'm So Glad We Had This Time Together

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 12 to One Year


Comedy is tragedy plus time. ~ Carol Burnett

How am I supposed to know? There are many things I think I know, yet I can be dumber than a door nail; especially when it comes to people. There are certain people that irritate the freakin' heebie-jeebies out of me to the point that I want to either “kill” or “hurt” them; but the first thing I want to do is “hit and run”. My first intuitive thought is to run; to run away! I came to see and do what I had to do and now it is time to go! It is safer for everyone involved.

I had this happen to me yesterday. I don't like the feeling. I am a nice guy; just because you don't like me and the things that I do does not give you the right to not acknowledge my presence. Especially if I am with someone you care about. Perhaps it is jealousy, envy or just a bug up your butt; I am a human being with feelings and I deserve to be acknowledged as such.

But, my first thought is always violence. I grew up with a great deal of violence and if I didn't behave a certain way I certainly paid the price for it. I grew up with so many restrictions it was not funny. I couldn't do this or that and even that what I'm thinking about doing. Fear plagued my life. The fear of having pain inflicted upon my body worsen the anguish of living. It is no wonder that I ate myself to 417 pounds of pain and fear.

The funny thing about it is I cannot stop being who I am and I cannot stop you from being who you are – especially when everything about you, the enemy frightens me because you resemble me so much of who I am. I didn't like what I saw is what I don't like about myself. They are things I hate about myself. Perhaps it is something I wish I could be . . . I don't know. Maybe, the fear of being free to act like a childish moron is something I wish I could have done growing up. But, I didn't. I survived my tragedy and it has taken a lot of time to be able to live with myself and others. But, sometimes I just want to run away.

Someday I may be able to laugh about it . . . but right now tears of sadness moistens my eyes.

Reason 48; Spiritual Secrets Revealed

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 13 to One Year


We cannot be sure of having something to live for unless we are willing to die for it. ~ Che Guavara

I've had my “rat” food breakfast. I state jokingly, it is barely enough food to sustain a rat until my next meal. Nobody has ever died of hunger in between meals. I feel like I am going to pass out, that my life is passing before me if I don't get more. This is my problem: I want more!

I believe compulsive eaters are passionate people. I should only speak about myself; but in getting to know the girl I love with all my heart, I feel I have found my true love, my soul mate, my partner in crime. The crime we have is for each other is passion! We, the girl I love with all my heart, myself and her mom were talking about food. What else do compulsive eaters love to talk about? We stated that most compulsive eaters are great chefs, cooks and will spend hours making up a dish or a recipe. We love food.

But, often our passion exceeds our expectations. It can become dangerous, overwhelming to the point that we use food as love, comfort and as a drug to numb ourselves from the world. For those who have been to hell and back, spirituality is the foundation and the way NOT to go back to the gates of insanity or death. Our spirituality – the girl I love with all my heart and I have shamelessly shifted our spirituality to a new level. We pray at every meal, for each other and align our will to that of God's will for us.

Spirituality is gratitude in action! Having been to hell and back a few times, I have no need nor do I desire to go back. It is my gratitude in service to others that allows me to remain abstinent. I am constantly available to give service. It is the one thing that brought us, the girl I love with all my heart and I together. We have that in common and both of us have six service commitments. We support each other in our recovery endeavors. It is something I never had in a relationship.

The thing I look forward to in my relationship with the girl I love with all my heart is that I am inspired. The amount of her dedication, love and service and the fact she is on the maintenance food plan is something I aspire to; it keeps me going. The love we have for God, for each other is what keeps the flames in our passion burning furiously rampant.

Reason 49; Contrary Action

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 14 to One Year


Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. ~ Shawshank Redemption

It doesn't matter how many times I have had to surrender, I find myself in the midst of a battle. The choices I make are always life and death. This is not to sound so dramatic, but to emphasize a point that any little thing I engage in will undoubtedly change my life. It begins with making a simple decision. Sometimes, it takes making that decision over and over again. It is a symptom called “Instant Amnesia” and this attribute focuses negatively on the good things in life.

An example, during my power-walk exercise journey I began eleven months ago, I'd be walking on a stretch of pavement where vegetation grows wild along side. Moving at the speed of the wind; I'd come across a bug. Instantly, my mind would say to me on the next step – step on the bug! My only rationale was that it is only a stink bug. It was at that moment, I realized I have no “control” over what my mind says to me. The decision I made at the moment is I would lead a life of kindness. The disease of compulsive eating is cruel and does not allow for growth or life. Live and let live. I stepped over the bug, letting it go on its merry way and I continued on my walk. Eventually, I'd come across another stink bug or other creature and again I wanted to destroy it. It was as if I had totally forgotten my promise of kindness. I made another decision – I would continue my practice. It is the same with the disease of compulsive eating, it constantly wants to kills me, to step on the great life I have today. I must remember who is more powerful – food or God?

The act of changing requires vigilance. My life today is full of love, friendship and understanding. It did not come easy and still requires dedication and perseverance. I must continue to give away what I have been freely given if I am to keep what I have. It is with this thought – the life God gave me has spirit, just like the life God gave the creatures crossing my path in my power-walk. In my life, I have been shown by the girl I love with all my heart that I am able to love again – I love her so much. I have no fear to love. It's because I allow myself to live with God on my path in life.

Reason 50; This Too Shall Pass

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 15 to One Year


The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. ~ Albert Einstein

I usually wake up in the morning in a very good mood. I wish I had stayed in bed. A co-worker friend of mine used to say that if it wasn't for the students, it would be a very good job. We worked for a university. I had the same idea this morning. If it wasn't for some of the people in my life, this would be a great life. Instead, I get people who are just plain nasty. I am trying desperately to keep my profanity in my mind at a minimum! It might not have been a bad day if I had stayed in bed. Getting up at the crack of dawn (4:30 A.M.) to be out on power-walking by 5:15 is not something I rejoice at everyday; unless you happen to be the girl I love with all my heart.

Getting up from bed was not the bad part of my day. It was the dreams I had, which usually are a premonition of what I am to expect in the hours ahead. It was not a good dream. Nevertheless, I pretended. I get up everyday like Jerry's mentor in the movie Jerry Maguire, slapping my hands three times and saying it is going to be a great fuckin' day! I thank God for another day and move on.

Nonetheless, I get a phone call from the girl I love with all my heart at 5:08, which tells me I am late. I rush out to the place where I walk and begin my power walk at 5:20. I finish my 9 mile walk at 6:51 with my average time of 1 hour and 31 minutes - roughly. My fastest is 1:27 and when I am dragging – 1:35. I call the person I work for and ask if I have time to pick up a cup of coffee before I come home and go to work. She says yes only if I will pick her up a cup. I oblige.

I rush home to go to work. She is giving me my instructions at which time, I get a call from the girl I love with all my heart. I click the phone on so it will stop ringing as I see my boss getting her panties in a wad . . . the girl I love with all my heart listens in on our conversation. My boss heads out the door. Since this is “all about me” I will not mention the statement the girl I love with all my heart made to me.

At 7:30 A.M. I make my daily call to my sponsor to commit my food and have a short conversation. At which time a minute later I notice a call from my boss – she leaves a message on my voice mail ranting pissed off that she did not appreciate all the phone calls I get on the job. Mind you, my job is not easy. People are amazed at the quality of work that I perform. I return her phone call she obviously does not answer. I give her a piece of my mind along with some profanity on her voice mail. This is the moment I think my boss needs a chocolate candy bar to calm her down; but I don't say that to her since it would be taking her inventory!

A few more phone calls later, I get an apology from my boss. I did not have to hurt, kill or overeat over life situations. Mind you, I am not perfect, but I strive for progress which on days like these is hard to accomplish. Several hours later, I am getting ready to head on out to see the girl I love with all my heart; while my boss is very cold and distant in my business dealings with her.

Reason 51; Life As It Should Be

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 16 to One Year


I never will understand all the good that a simple smile can accomplish. ~ Mother Teresa

I never thought I would ever feel or see the love in my woman's eyes. No matter what problems lies in between us, love will always prevail. It has been a rough couple of days, weeks and month working toward the changes in our lives. We want to be together, but we both have obligations that must be fulfilled before we commence on a life together. It is not that simple. We thought about “running away” but that would only mask the problems we have for a very short time. We often joke about eating compulsively; taking a bite of our favorite sweet delicacy, but that too will only hide our problems for a short while. Instead of having one problem, we will have two or more. It is not until we realize the amount of service that we do for each other, the gratitude we have for each other, the love God gave us that nothing (life problems) is worth “eating” over.

When I started my abstinence over eleven months ago, I hated going to this meeting that I go on Sunday mornings. I didn't like the people who went there. I hated the San Fernando Valley where it was located. I didn't want to go to the meeting, but driving over the hill to the West Side to Santa Monica two days in a row proved to be too much; especially when gas prices had sky rocketed to five dollars a gallon. During the time I have been abstinent amazing recovery has occurred to the meeting. They have seemingly recovered from the hopelessness of my negative thinking, which is a large part of the disease of compulsive eating. Now, I am Secretary of that Sunday morning meeting, which is now my home group. I sit in front row of the meeting in my usual seat when I am not Secretary and the girl I love with all my heart next to me.

I am Secretary for the month of May. I am honored at the privilege of having to sit next to the Speaker on stage. I look down at the front row, the girl I love with all my heart is sitting in my seat, with my (program) sister sitting next to her. Both of them smile at me. I can feel the love in their smiles as it permeates into my heart and through my soul. I can feel the presence of God when I look at them. The love that radiates from the girl I love with all my heart is one I have never felt. It is stronger than anything I have ever experienced. This is God because God is Love. The Love we share is a gift from the Almighty. Thank You God.

Reason 52; I Am My Only Fan

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 19 to One Year


I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. ~ Mother Teresa

I am my only fan! Yep, the story of my life.

When I started doing service in the meetings I attend, I found myself in a paradox. I'd talk myself into a resentment. I thought the people who came late to meetings, after I had set up all the chairs were ungrateful bastards; not realizing I was the one who was selfish and self-centered. It was “all about me”.

Today, it is still “all about me” but in a very different scheme and attitude. What I give to the world, the world will give to me. I am no longer that “selfish” person and find myself over compensated in what I have been freely given. I catch myself wanting to give back more and more because the life I have is one of the most “fuckin' amazing” life I could not have ever imagined.

In previous writings, I shortchanged myself a great deal. God in His infinite wisdom and power has shown me when I align my will to that of my Higher Power, then there is no end to the love I can receive. I am one of the luckiest guys on earth. I have nothing to show for, but I have the Universe in my heart and soul. It is an awesome feeling I feel on a continuous basis.

I often question the coincidences in my life. Why do things happen the way they do? Why am I and other certain people put into my life? I think about it. The only reason I can come up with is that “God loves me”. God knows what is best for me. When I think that certain person, place or thing is what I want – I find it is not the right person, place or thing for me. It is my resistance to not getting what I want that causes me the most pain.

When the girl I love with all my heart came into my life did I expect to be able to love again? No, I did not. Six years ago, my heart was ripped and torn into shreds to the point I gained the 127 pounds I had lost and then some more. I wanted to kill myself by eating myself to death – I almost did. The thought of having 217 pounds to lose is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and despair. It is by the Love and Grace of God that I am here today – 151 pounds lighter . . . the girl I love with all my heart is a gift from my Higher Power, for which I will always be forever grateful.

Reason 53; Spiritual Progress

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 20 to One Year


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ A Course In Miracles

There are many barriers I have built to keep from becoming the person I am to become. Most of them are self-imposed. Others are not that easy to get rid of or remove them from my daily life. The issue has always been the lack of power is my dilemma. The biggest contributing factors in my life are the two “f” words, FEAR and FOOD. They have kept me from living a full life.

I had never been afraid until my parents, the first two people in a society to transmit despair and doom, they were to instill the fear of getting hurt and hurting others. My brothers and I were constantly told that if we didn't eat everything off from our plates people in Africa would die. To this day I do not know how many people I might have saved by eating all those calories. From that moment on, I no longer had guilt-free eating. If that didn't work, then the devil would come and take one of us away. It was the beginning of my “hate” for religion. I didn't want to be afraid or live in fear.

Food on the other hand was a trickier notion since the need to deal with it three times a day comes to effect daily. In mass quantities, it numbs all the senses. In continued excess amounts it will begin to destroy the body. Food like the love of my parents were all a lie. My obsession was to believe the lie that “food” and my parents loved me. My parents didn't know how to love. They only knew how to control their kids by instilling them fear, then the fear of pain and the fear of a punishing God.

Today, I work at removing the fear, food is no longer the problem, it is the other obsessions that I use to replace it that are the cause of my angst. I will use anything and everything in mass proportions if I am not careful. It is the spiritual progress not spiritual perfection that I seek to work on my problems today. Using the phrase “progress not perfection” will only work if I think I am in control. It is my work on my spiritual connection that saves me.

Reason 54; A Fire I Can't Put Out

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 21 to One Year


Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~ Bruce Lee

I am amazed at the awesome power of God. I think about all the times I put myself in danger by the use of alcohol, drugs and food. There were times I stupidly risked my life for a thrill or just because there was nothing better to do. Then there were the chances I accidentally stepped into, like encountering rattlesnakes working on the family farm – coming so close to death I stared at it in the face. Then are the two times I was spared from death, where I felt the hand of God protect me. I asked at the moment of facing death for God to help me. Call me insane, but I felt someone was there protecting my life, which comes to the question, why am I here? What purpose do I have in life?

In the greater schemes of life, I have no freakin' idea! I show up for life and it happens. I tried to think of it philosophically and still get more confused. I stopped looking for the meaning of life. The real danger I pose for myself is that I am a victim of my thinking. It is when I surrender my negative thoughts and do absolutely nothing – doing nothing is doing something do I realize that I can just be. I can exist without hurting myself or anyone. I don't have to try to fix anything or anyone when life is working right. I mind my own business.

If someone were to ask me what does this blog post have to do with food? Everything! I ate because I was a victim of my thinking. I did not want to feel nor did I want to think about the unknown. I didn't like what I was taught growing up – the fears and the lies. It was not until I adopted a new attitude about everything in life that I could finally change. I did not do it overnight. It was gradual and slow as it is right now. I am impatient with my life and how God is managing it. I trust God, but I would like to figure it out myself.

Reason 55; Righteous Indignation

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 22 to One Year


There are only two kinds of men; the righteous who believe they are sinners, the sinners who believe they are righteous. ~ Blaise Pascal

It fucking pisses me off! Not only do I hate my freakin' disease, but I hate the fact that I am neither right nor wrong. It is only my freakin' opinion! No one must or has to believe in anything. I certainly don't – how can I believe in something I can't even see or feel? This blog is only my experience. I speak of what I know, the pain, the suffering and the anguish of being fat. I do not want to go back to living the hell I used to wallow in. I speak my truth, of the things I used to do to hurt myself, to kill and rid of the feelings I had for my life. I was living in two worlds – one of wishing to have what I couldn't – the other of having what I didn't want.

There is nothing I can say that wouldn't make my life bullshit! No one fucking cares about what I do or say until they see themselves in my writing. If you are sensitive to “WTF” I write about, don't read it. Stop fucking reading and do something else. If you want to stay “fat” forever, go ahead and do it because no one – I mean no one is going to stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do. Nobody could stop me from doing what I did to myself for nineteen (19) years of being in this program! I ate, and I ate, and I ate some more. I didn't fucking care about what anyone thought. Am I someone “special” that I finally achieved some sort of sanity? Fuck NO! I am still sick. I still want to eat my fucking brains out. Will I stay on this path of finally achieving and maintaining my goal weight of 200 pounds forever? Hell NO!

Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. Page 30, AA Big Book

I recall my AA Sponsor talking about his fantasy; that once he died and gone to heaven he would meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates with a bottle of Jack Daniels. This is the way I feel – it is one of the reason he was my friend and sponsor. When it is finally my time to go, I will meet my Sponsor and St. Peter at the Pearly Gates; my Sponsor will have two shot glasses and a bottle of whatever (it doesn't matter, I am an alcoholic, I will drink anything); St. Peter will have one big glass of milk and a huge mother-fuckin' German Chocolate cake. This is because I am a fuckin' Double Winner – I have two killer diseases!

What does this blog post all mean? Obesity kills! Why don't I say how I really feel? I am not so pissed off anymore! Hopefully, when I die I will be thin. I am looking forward to a drink and having my cake too when I arrive in heaven. This means I will hopefully have fought off the disease of compulsive eating and alcoholism to my death. But, if you are to continue to use food and eat yourself to a slow suicide, then the path to hell is paved with good intentions! By Golly!

Reason 56; NO DIET. NO EXERCISE. Read My SHOCKING Story!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 23 to One Year


When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~ Janette Barber

I cannot tell you how many countless times I searched for the easier, softer way. I would stare at the tabloids hoping a miracle answer could be found; that science had discovered a magic pill that would allow me to eat anything I wanted and not gain an ounce!

Often it is the act of wanting something so bad that causes us the most pain. Is it greed? Are we willing to pay the price for something that we truly desire? Talking about something and actually doing the deed are two different things. Lately, the girl I love with all my heart and I have been talking about food, not the items on our food plan – that is boring; but the good stuff. It is the stuff that is forbidden to cross that invisible line called lips.

I attend AA meetings where drunk-a-logues are often revered just as much at the recovery expressed by the speaker. I need to be reminded of the insanity and despair of alcohol; what it did to my body as it went down permeating the very soul of my being. Alcohol changed my demeanor sometimes causing me to go into a blackout. It made me invisible and invincible. Food in the form of sugar on the other hand causes my body to go into an instantaneous coma. I become lethargic and lazy. I don't want to do anything except eat myself to oblivion or death.

In our discussion about our favorite forbidden foods, the girl I love with all my heart and I love the same kind of junk food. We find that we have a great deal of things in common including that we both are very much service oriented people. So, it is not uncommon for us to discuss the things we did to ourselves. Now, we are going through a different kind of pain. Food is not the issue! Our spirituality is to meld our lives together. We both have had separate lives that presently is difficult to change. The only thing we can do is be patient with each other, more importantly with God. It is our impatience that we want things now! This is causing us pain. We need to constantly remind each other – In God's Time!

Reason 57; Oh NO! What Are We Going To Do?

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 26 to One Year


Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold – but so does a hard-boiled egg. ~ Unknown

A friend of mine who I have been trying to help acquire his abstinence had a few days of freedom from the obsession under his belt. Then he lost it. None of us are immune to the disease of compulsive eating. The obsession / compulsion will hit when we are not paying attention as in Strange Mental Blank Spots. I actually have had voices call me from the refrigerator. I am in bed under the covers with a pillow over my face in my bedroom across at the other end of the house and I can hear them call me clear as day.

The other thing he talks about is that he “prayed” on it before he fell asleep. The thing I have say is what I heard a long time ago. One can pray and pray and pray to “whoever” and nothing will happen. For example, I remember reading an article about how these women used to pray and pray for their fat to be removed from their bodies. Nothing happened! Therefore, they said there is no God! I used to do the same thing – I'd ask God to make me thin. Nothing happened! It was as if I expected God to come down here do a procedure of liposuction, install a lap-band, do a tummy tuck, or just darn melt the fat off my body. No! It did not happen!

God does not work miracles! But, God will work miracles if we “work” for them. The voices will always be there. I just do not listen to them. I listen (meditation) to God, sitting still and quieting the voices in my head. It is not easy. I started by sitting for a minute, then two, then five, then ten minutes. Now, I participate in “Sitting Meditations” for forty-five minutes. It is an amazing feeling, like walking on thin air.

My friend goes on to say, he wakes up from a deep sleep and the voices are still there. He wakes up angry. For myself, I have choices. I have a choice every morning on whether this is going to be a good or bad day. It is up to me. It begins with my attitude. Is it going to beat me down or am I going to put up a fight? He continues to ask, where is his Higher Power in these moments? Why was He there before, but He did not feel Him then?

God is always there. I must make a conscious choice to make a conscious contact with my Higher Power. Food, the disease of compulsive eating (the devil) is always there too, beckoning you to fall into temptation. As I have stated before, I can pray until kingdom come; but I will still be in the disease if I choose not to do anything. Doing nothing is doing something! It all depends on the situation; is your self-will to govern your life or is it God?

Which comes to his final question, how is he to strengthen his hope and faith? The only thing I know is by being of service. Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking (compulsive eating) as intensive work with other alcoholics (compulsive eaters). It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics (compulsive eaters)! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill. Chapter 7, AA Big Book. Working With Others