Reason 58; Food and Sex - Two To Tango

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 27 to One Year


Content Warning


The blog that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults. In general, the author does not condone nor does he endorse the content of this or any blog that may or may not be harmful to a person's food plan. For resentments, complaints about the author's content policies, please make a phone call to your Sponsor, make three outreach calls or just work the darn seven tools!


Ripple Effect


Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski

I have a couple of friendships baffling my intellect of what relationships should be like, they constantly remind me of my parents. My parents did a number on me, taking years of therapy and constant work in various programs for me to move and advance to a stage of normalcy. I have done things sexually that would probably make Larry Flint blush. It is something I am not proud of, but am constantly reminded of my insatiable past.

The same holds true for my consumption of food, only God knows how much I could have devoured as I ate myself to death. The thought of being buried in a piano case was discussed early in my life, mostly a scare tactic used by my parents to control my eating. These are the same people that told me there were people dying of hunger in Africa if I didn't eat my entire meal. I didn't understand them, myself or what to think about how I ate. It was either feast or famine in our family. When a family of four growing boys, close in age are eating you out of house and home, it was not common we would run out of food by the end of the week, before my father's paycheck came home on Friday. I remember as a youngster eating white bread and mustard for days at a time because that was all we had.

The male friend is in this friendship with my other co-dependent friend is getting bigger. When I look at him, it reminds me of myself over eleven months ago. I was huge! I had no life. I only ate so I could not feel. The funny thing about all this is that if I had known myself back then, I would have asked myself for help. I do not know what it is about being in denial, about not facing the truth of what he is doing to himself, about eating that keeps him trapped in a life of just existing to consume food.

Several months ago, over a phone conversation, I asked the same male friend if he was afraid of giving up, surrendering to a different way of doing things; that if he would stop eating he could have as much (women) as he desired. Eating and spending hours eating is not my version of having a good time. I had in the past tasted my “wildness” of endless women and now embarked on finding a true love. I had been in a “loveless” relationship, mostly a friend's with benefits type of situation; but it was the healing I needed.

Reason 59; Food and Sex!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 28 to One Year


Content Warning


The blog that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults. In general, the author does not condone nor does he endorse the content of this or any blog that may or may not be harmful to a person's food plan. For resentments, complaints about the author's content policies, please make a phone call to your Sponsor, make three outreach calls or just work the darn seven tools!


A Little Stone In My Pocket


When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better. ~ Mae West

This morning I woke up from a deep sleep with a hard-on! That got your attention did it not? Slowly moving my hand down, I reached my stomach taking hold of my … beer belly flab! I was shocked, certainly amazed at the transformation my body has taken; most certainly that of my Buddha belly. As I layed in bed caressing my stomach, I talked wishing for it to continue shrinking down into the six-pack abs that I will think myself into having. You can't think yourself into right action; but you can certainly act yourself into right thinking! I am acting like I have a flat rippled stomach.

The thing I love about losing one hundred and forty five pounds is that I can see “mini-me” and I didn't know he was . . . or how he looked like from my vantage point. I had never seen him like this before, maybe I have, but it has been a long time. He certainly stood at attention towering over the rest of my body.

When I was compulsively eating myself to death my libido was certainly non-existent. The only lover I cared about was the next meal. The only kiss I wanted was of something sweet and warm on my lips that came off my fork. The only flesh I was to tease, nibble and devour into my mouth was not the four ounces I consume at my meals, but the carnal killing slab that overflowed off my plate. It was not pretty, yet I thought I was in heaven.

I called the girl that I love with all my heart and told her about my dilemma. While she could certainly sympathize with my “problem” she couldn't do anything for me since she is living and working in the next county over. My towering tower of desire would have to wait until Friday night when we will be together. While we talked about our plans for the weekend – our service commitments to our recovery – it was not about the food or about my “problem” but the fact that we would be together growing in love with each other. Each time we are together, it is as if we lose our appetite. All we want to do is be together. Food does not come into our minds until we realize it is getting late, way past our mealtime, then we discuss about what we are to have for our meal; that in itself can be a difficult task. While we don't care about what we eat – just as long as we eat – deciding is the problem!

Reason 60; Body Image Distortion

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 29 to One Year


There's more to life than being really, really, really good looking. ~ Zoolander aka Ben Stiller

I'd like to think there are many people who are totally satisfied with their bodies; but I believe it is the brain in my body that is distorted, warped and skewed. Unlike the satisfied people who work ultimately hard at maintaining their good looks, I have my moments. It all depends on the moment my eyes and my mind connect. Either I have a problem with my eyes or my mind does not want to believe what it sees. My mind will not accept compliments from other people and will conjure up thoughts on how I think they are really thinking about how I look. Nevermind the thoughts of God and how He sees His child, my mind over-rides all good and positive thoughts.

I have trained my mind, brainwashed my thinking into a great deal of negativity about my self-image. I do not recall a time, except for once where my father said something about how good I looked. Nothing was ever said from my mother. The rest of the time it was either I looked like a mess or was asked to change into a clean set of clothes. No one told me I look good or that I looked handsome unless they were fishing for a compliment themselves. Even when I did receive a compliment, I didn't believe them or I thought they were lying. But, it was never the validation I search for; I just want to be at peace with myself, to be able accept myself as I am and to live comfortably in my own skin. If I love myself, that itself would be a miracle.

I look at my body today amazed at the transformation. There are parts that I wish I could do with out, like my left leg that is bigger than the right – the result of edema and compulsive eating. Then there's the beer belly flab; I keep rubbing it hoping it will go away. Sometimes I talk to the sagging skin of my stomach hopeful that it will shrink back to the size when I was born. I am not about to go under the knife. I have a bigger God than the problem of wanting to have a flat stomach. I'd figure if God wants me to have a flat stomach, it will eventually happen, I just have to do the work.

The problem with my body image distortion is that it centers on fear. I have a overwhelming fear of becoming the person I want to love, the person I always wanted to be and it scares me when I look in the mirror and I do not know the person I am looking at.

Reason 61; Service

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 30 to One Year


The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

I found myself . . . the girl I love with all my heart found me. It makes my eyes tear up at the miracle of love. Did I think I would ever find such a treasure? No, I had given up, surrendered, tossed out all hope of finding someone to love and be loved by. I had made a resolve God wanted me to live the rest of my life alone, without the love I desperately wanted. I accepted my lot in life. If it was God's will, then I had no choice but to learn how to live the life of loneliness. But, it was not what God wanted.

God wants me to have everything my heart desires; but my selfish greed wants the possessions of everyone else. My envious nature questioned the relationship of a friend – how come he has a girlfriend and he's not even abstinent? Why does he get the love that I so desperately want? I didn't have an answer. It made me more resentful.

The fact is I wanted the pot of gold, but she was not right for me, God had other plans. Weeks flew by . . . until the girl I love with all my heart heard me share at a meeting. After the meeting, she decided to ask me if I would share at her meeting. Being newly abstinent, having made a decision I would practice what I learned in AA, I asked her where was her meeting and when did it start. She gave me her answer – Anaheim Hills; Saturday morning, eight o'clock!

I asked her if she was kidding. Now, when she tells the story how we met, she says I made this weird face because she didn't realize how far I lived. I live in the San Fernando Valley; almost fifty miles away. Driving the freeways in the metropolis of Los Angeles is something that many people don't do. I hesistantly accepted her request, knowing in the future I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. on a Saturday, on my day off to get to her meeting in time. She said she would call me to set a date for me to speak, after which she gave me a hug.

It was the hug, where I felt the connection. I didn't know it then; but looking at it in hindsight, it is where I felt God in our arms. Several months later, in the happiest time of my life, we share with each other the amount of service commitment each of us have – six! This is how we met, by being of service to others. Now, the girl I love with all my heart and I support each other in our service commitments by showing up to help each other. It is a life that in my wildest dreams would have never imagined. I thank God for God and the love He has given us!

Reason 62; Can't Change A Pickle To A Cucumber

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 33 to One Year


Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. ~ Beth McCollister

Life is certainly funny sometimes. While I make fun of the amount of food one gets for breakfast on this food plan – the amount that an ant can carry back to its den – I haven't starved to death – yet! I still think and feel it is not enough food for me to live on, even though I have been doing it over eleven months. I have a disease of “MORE” and I want more and I want it now!

This past week, the girl I love with all my heart and I spent an evening together. We set out to go see a movie, which never materialized. We had agreed that she would make our weighed and measured salad and I would bring the vegetable dish. It was all fine and dandy; but a while back I don't know what possessed me. I ate a piece of cucumber! Was I sick? I hated cucumbers with a passion, worse than that because I thought they were slimy, weird tasting and made me gag. Now, you know how much I hate them!

But before we set out to have our dinner, we went to the nearest 7-11 convenience store to heat up the vegetable dish – butternut squash – yummy! As we were waiting for the micro-blaster to zap some heat to my dish, we looked around the store and notice the frozen burritos nearby. We discussed that only a compulsive eater would purchase and eat the cardboard tasting delicacies; that we had never seen a “normal” person eat one of those things. I don't know about the girl I love with all my heart, but I was salivating drool.

We set out to find a spot to eat, finally deciding to eat near the movie theater. She opened her containers of salad, each weigh and measured according to our food plan. When she handed over my container of salad I notice a whole slew of . . . guess what? Yep, cucumbers! I looked at them, laying there like slugs on a pile of weeds (Sorry Honey, creative license!). She opened the small jar of salsa poured herself half and poured the rest on my salad. And being the great girlfriend she is, she purchased for me my favorite salad dressing, which I weigh and measured onto my salad. Hopefully, it would cover up the weird tasting pieces of cucumber on my salad. Then came the protein proportion of our meal on top. Needless to say, the meal was delicious! I complimented the salad chef for a great meal.

The rest of the evening was spent . . . incredibly wonderful. When you abstain, there is nothing standing in between the intimacy of two people who love each other. I like cucumbers now.

Reason 63; caught between a rock and a hard place

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 34 to One Year


All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds of yesterday. ~ Unknown

It is hard growing up! I want someone to do everything for me, except for the great stuff, of course! I want, I want, I want … did I ever ask what can I do for someone else?

All my life I have snaked my way through situations, events and life itself. I am the cause of my own problems. I can't help myself. Even at a deeper level, I am still a liar, a cheater and thief. Even though today I do them a great deal less, but nonetheless, it eventually catches up to me. One way or another it shows up. I want to own what I have and not have it be anything less than that. Right now, I have a beautiful life, but things in my past keep haunting me. I've done things I am not proud of, things I had to do to consider my survival. At times, it seems the hand of God was leading me through the last six years of my life.

I was saved, for what purpose I do not know. I showed up to life on a binge. After my last real relationship break-up I ate myself close to death. Then I met the person who saved me. Although I was honest with her, people change, I changed. Many things occurred to also include that I was incapable of loving. I could not say those three little words, that some find it so easy to say. My heart did not feel that way. You can not make the heart feel what it doesn't! I existed in a selfish relationship taking, taking and taking. The break-up was easy, but I am left with nothing.

There is wreckage of the immediate present, but while I enjoy a new relationship; I am haunted by the relationship of the past. It has been over for a while, but the things I had to do and still continue, I must do so I can survive. It is not a good reason or an excuse. I believe fear of not getting what I want is the same as losing what I have. It tears deeply inside me, trying to be honest is a bitch when I am trying to save my ass and face at the same time. It is not easy to fight fear. I only struggle with with myself, the food is only a symptom of a deeper manifestation. I choose not to eat compulsively, which is to say why I am sick (chest cold, coughing, body aches) today. I hardly get sick. As I layed in bed sick, I thought about two people who are struggling with life. I am not alone.

Eating myself to death in the past is causing me to struggle today. I can't change the past, but I can clean up the present so that the future will be bright. I must walk through whatever happens, fearless with my life in the hand of God.

Reason 64; The Gift of Abstinence

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 35 to One Year


What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God. ~ Eleanor Powell

God gives us our abstinence on a silver platter. It is up to us to take the gift and accept it into our lives. I can only speak for myself when it comes to my recovery and the path I have taken. What might work for me might not work for someone else. “... man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!” Page 100. AA Big Book.

I have seen miracles happen in my life. Each meal and everyday I weigh and measure my food, I have a daily reprieve from the disease of compulsive eating. To weigh and measure my food is to be rigorously honest, thereby meeting God at the scale right before my meal. My daily reprieve is based on my spiritual connection. It is contingent on my conscious contact with a Higher Power. If I chose not to maintain that spiritual connection then I run the risk of losing everything in my life. Refusing to remain abstinent is throw the gift of abstinence back into God's face.

Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. Page 42. AA Big Book. The search is endless for my spiritual path. It constantly evolves changing everyday as I learn to remain abstinent. I am constantly learning about my inner voice, the one that speaks to me from deep within. God is everywhere and He is inside me.

To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. Page 44. AA Big Book. To be doomed to a slow death from compulsive eating is more treacherous and malicious than alcohol; it is relentless and unforgiving. The reason is not that I am not able to stop, but that I am incapable of staying stopped. It is rare to find someone with long term abstinence, since we have to deal with our substance of addiction three times a day. Even when following the food plan, the disease calls out to me to have one more piece, one more bite. My defense must come from my Higher Power.

I think I am invincible. When I take a compulsive bite, I think I'm Superman, where the bullets (bites) ricochet off me. Instead they trigger an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body and it shows up on my body as fat.

Reason 65; The Scale Is Not A Higher Power

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 36 to One Year


In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. ~ Stephen Phillips

OMG! One would think it was the end of the world when I saw those numbers light up on the digital scale. In the past I'd bring out the flagellation tools and begin to self-inflict the barrage of verbal, emotional, and physical beatings. The verbal and emotional annihilation always occurring while I ate myself to oblivion. I did not want to feel the anguish of being a failure. “I messed up. I am a piece of shit, I might as well eat!”

Every thirty days I weigh myself. This is my 330 day of following the food plan (abstinence). I weighed myself this morning. I had a feeling I gained weight. I also had a multiple choice. I can be in denial; I can rationalize my weight gain or accept where I am at. In the past I also pointed my fat stubby finger at someone to blame. Not this time. No one twisted my arm to bring the spoon and fork to my mouth. No one tied me down at force fed me junk. I don't even blame myself; that in itself is a miracle!

The thing I realize with this abstinence is that food no longer has power over me, nor do I have power over it! The power must come from my Higher Power. I can certainly rationalize that my life has changed drastically, since meeting the girl I love with all my heart, we have been eating out on our dates socially. Even though we have been eating at restaurants abstinently, the meals are not weighed and measured. I blame no one, not even myself for the one pound gain.

The miracle is I spoke honestly to the girl I love with all my heart. I told her I didn't mind driving almost an hour to see her. I didn't mind paying for our meals (God has blessed me with abundance); and if we are to move ahead in our relationship, we must save for our future. But I did say I did mind that we ate out so often. I generally restrict my eating out to twice a week occurring at fellowship after the meetings. This is where I learn to live with other compulsive eaters and gain some basic methods of eating out at restaurants. We are not a glum lot.

Suffice to say, the girl I love with all my heart was in total agreement; that she said would love to make our meals on certain nights. I agreed that I didn't mind switching nights when we ate out, or that I could bring the vegetable dish when she cooked. We could have a romantic picnic dinner and enjoy the love we share between each other.

The lesson is I did not have to beat myself up for not being perfect; that I could be honest with my girl. We can talk things out. Communication is the key to a spiritual way of life in a relationship.

Reason 66; Thank God For God!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 37 to One Year


Nothing that is natural can be evil. Death cannot be evil. Disease cannot be evil. Natural disasters cannot be evil. Nothing inevitable can be evil. The universe as a whole is perfect, and everything in it has a place in the overall design. Inevitability is produced by the workings of this mechanism. Events do not happen by chance, they arrive by appointment. There is a cause for everything, and "chance" is simply a name for undiscovered causes. ~ James Stockdale

I often thought of pain as something “evil” that it was a punishment for something I had done. Pain is the result of the resistance to change. As a compulsive eater, I do not like change. I will make a change when it is totally necessary; otherwise I will live in a rut forever. As a friend of mine once said, “I will stay in the rut and decorate it!”

Many of the things I have learned are after many years of sobriety. Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. I like to think it gave me mercy, because God allowed me to stay. But, my self-will decided to continue it's self-destruction by switching obsessions from alcohol to food and other addictive behaviors.

Pain is necessary. It is how another friend of mine puts it, “All things are necessary, even the bad ones. It (bad things) makes the good things that much better and worth having!” Recently, the girl I love with all my heart and I had a painful growth spurt. While fear was a huge part of the pain, it was necessary for me (I can't speak for her.) to Face Each Action Rigorously; this meant I had to look at my part in the relationship and be honest about it. As my Al-Anon sponsor states communication is of the utmost importance. After speaking to the girl I love with all my heart and talking honestly, I find that I create my fears, but cannot get rid or remove them. My Higher Power must do that; it is a character defect that my negative thinking creates. But love always prevails if we are honest with ourselves and each other. And as I heard in a meeting recently, I thank God for God.

Reason 67; Constant Surrender

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 40 to One Year


Once we surrender our mind to GOD completely, He will take care of us in every way. ~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

If I could lose my mind, it would be an ideal situation. I would have an excuse for the things it thinks of. I wish my mind had been made detachable, when it acts up I'd take it out to give it a tune-up. Once the 30 day warranty runs out replace it with a new one – like a lease on a new car! Wouldn't that be great! But, there is always a “but” in situations like these. I am stuck with mine! I think the Product Inspector had the day off or wasn't really interested in doing the job. He/she must been out “partying” eating and drinking him/herself to oblivion the night before. Then had a rough hangover the next day. Therefore, I passed with those little sticky inspection tags. “Inspected by 217”

I wonder what Inspector 217 was thinking when my brain showed up on the conveyor belt. Inspector 217 must have laughed his/herself silly, thinking: Eh? It looks good enough for me! Obviously, my mind was in perfect condition when it left down the conveyor pipeline. Something must have happened along the way on the trek of life.

I don't know if it was all the bad choices I made in life, all the stuff that I thought of that made me the person I am today. If thoughts do become things, where do my thoughts come from? I recall as a precocious youngster not being afraid. My parents instilled in my mind that the world is full of evil and wicked people. Eventually, it was my parents that turned on me, not other people. They turned against me just like food turned on me. Then I accepted their responsibility of hurting myself. My spongy mind decided if they told me I was a “piece of shit” then I must be a piece of shit.

Negative thinking is not hard-wired in my mind, it has been soldered on a circuit board. I have been working rigorously to change my “bad” and “negative” habits into good and positive thoughts. I must constantly surrender my negative thoughts, my bad and ill feelings to my Higher Power. I must work constantly at surrendering my mind to God.

Reason 68; Vigilance Is Blind Trust

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 40 to One Year


Codependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self. ~ Terry Kellogg

As a compulsive eater living in the moment, recovery is not an easy task. The multitude of feelings, thoughts and unexpected situations can certainly put a dent in my daily attitude. This morning I had such an event in my life.

With thirty-three days free from artificial sweeteners, (diet sodas, sugar-free gum, and packets of white artificial sweeteners) I have been sleeping like a baby, like a log, in a dead sleep. It feels wonderful, especially after spending a phenomenal evening with the girl I love will all my heart. Ah! The sex is freakin' fantastic. (Perhaps, I will make “sex” the topic of conversation in Strange Mental Blank Spots.) I need subject matter, I get tired of talking about the disease of compulsive eating. I need something juicy with lots of recovery emphasis.

I'm rambling. I need to get to the point! This morning I had a dream ... the girl I love with all my heart and I were at a party. She was standing next to me while I played “Should I?” or “Shouldn't I?” with a plate of food. I recall in the dream trying desperately to step away from the table, often moving away a couple of steps then coming back. I could feel my inner frustration build inside me as I slept. In the dream I stared at the food thinking how beautiful it looked. Then came the moment I picked a piece of the food in my dream. I remember putting it in my mouth with no regard to the girl I love with all my heart. I took the first compulsive bite.

As I slept, in my dream I could feel myself instantly become remorseful, angry and disappointed with myself. Lack of power was my dilemma. As I chewed the bite in my mouth, I turned around to look at the girl I love with all my heart. She had placed a piece of the food item in her mouth and had taken a bite. My heart sank! I had hurt the girl I love with all my heart.

I woke up feeling despair, then with a relief that it was only a dream. The past thirty-three days, I have been sleeping soundly, having dreamless nights. Perhaps, this is God's way to make me aware the need to practice the principles of the Al-Anon program must be stepped up a notch. I must remember my conscious contact with a Higher Power is imperative. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. pg. 42, AA Big Book

Reason 69; Feeling Fat Is A Fat Mind

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 41 to One Year


Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. ~ Kay Knudsen

I remember that warm, fuzzy feeling after eating my favorite substance where everything was all right with the world. It was the same feeling of joy and happiness one gets during Christmas, that everything with humanity is peace and goodwill toward mankind. Alcohol did the same thing, but faster. I recall taking a drink of Vodka feeling the warmth of the elixir permeate through my body as it went down. It enters the blood stream almost instantaneously, where sugar in the raw form has to be harvested and transformed into the body providing a slow death.

As I continue to recover, as addictive substances are removed from my daily use; the disease of compulsive and my negative thinking is looking for ways to destroy and sabotage my recovery. It searches endlessly. My mind will create fears, but isn't able to remove them. I must walk through them fearlessly, rigorously, without looking back or hesitation.

The thing about eating compulsively is I always searched for that “high” that never came. I looked for it in different substances hoping to achieve nirvana. Instead spiritual malady ensued with the physical ailments eating away not only at the body but at the soul. Eating compulsively is but a symptom of a deeper problem.

I look at people who remain oversize, people who continuously try working the program, who struggle with the abstinence (food plan); there by the Grace of God go I is not something I believe in. Yes, I believe in my Higher Power who I choose to call God; but, I believe the gift of abstinence is always there. God wants me to be healthy, happy and free! It is me – I am the one who has to give myself the gift – the gift of abstinence is not just the food plan. It is working all the tools, not just one or a partial of one. It is in the spirit of service that one attains a spiritual awakening.

Reason 70; Message From God

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 43 to One Year


I like to think that the moon is there even if I am not looking at it. ~ Albert Einstein

I think I am plum loco! It is not that I fell off my rocker thinking that I am hearing voices from God. No, but that people think I am inspirational. If only they knew what and how my mind thinks. I am not a bad person. I am a sick person trying to get well. And lately, it has been a very difficult proposition. I do not know if it's the busy schedule I keep with deadlines coming due very quick – my participation in a group art show, my involvement and training for the Los Angeles Marathon, or my anniversary of a year of recovery the day after the LA Marathon.

It takes a great deal of effort to put a sentence together much less a paragraph.

It was bad, yesterday was bad because the post I wrote was all over the place. I kept shifting sentences, moving paragraphs, deleting useless words. It was a very difficult post to write. It bothered me and I wanted to know why? The answer was obvious and I did not want to look at it. I tried to avoid it by discussing my addiction to food, alcohol and other obsessive behaviors. I also tried to dodge the issue by going into the romance of my relationship, then throughout the post trying to be spiritual. Huh?

People think I am spiritual (inspirational) and I think I am much more insane (crazy) than spiritual. Why? The answer is because after being off artificial sweeteners for over a month (no diet soda, sugar-free gum or other sugar-free substances). I have been yearning for something sweet, something with Splenda in it. But, I know once I start, it will escalate into massive proportions. It is not that the artificial sweetener is bad for me, but it is everything else I use with it.

So I had to look at the real issue (nothing I have listed above) why my mind is unable to focus; why my feelings are all over the place; why I want to use artificial sweeteners when my life is so sweet. The reason I cannot get a coherent thought or feeling is because I am in love. (There, I said it!) I have fallen completely in love with the girl I love with all my heart! Which is why I like to think my mind is there even though it is not working correctly. I'm in love and I am crazy!

Reason 71; In God We Trust

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 44 to One Year


Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward in the same direction. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Most of my life I tried to do the opposite. I do not know if it was defiance, rebellion, or just trying to do something different than what I experienced in my upbringing. I try to learn from my mistakes. I made my choices while being tempted by things in life that destroyed my spirituality. Alcohol, drugs, food and other addictive behaviors took control. The hidden closet housed the baggage of regrets, the lies, the anger, resentment, shame, fears, self-hatred and selfishness. The demons in the closet wait anxiously to come out to destroy my life. These character defects will rule my life if I do not continue working the program. I must maintain an awareness of the disease and my negative thinking. My conscious contact with a Higher Power will certainly defeat the spiritual malady.

In my romance with my new love, it is about her, not about my selfish needs or wants. I love romance. I love to be romantic, to woo her, to provide a fairy tale that will idealize her need to be love. I want her to have a love story, the charm, color and excitement of being wanted. My thoughts about her are about her and not what I want out of her. She continues to flood my mind endlessly with her recovery and spirituality, then her beauty and charm. The thought of food is no longer the focus, nor is the weight loss. For me, it is the continuation of my abstinence and recovery. This relationship gives me hope for a new life.

. . . to the girl I love with all my heart, you are a miracle in my life. I searched for a relationship, then finally succumbed to surrender the chase. I never expected such a treasure to find me. I had given up and lost hope. I totally under-estimated my desire for the woman I wished to share my life with. I had shortchanged myself. God has given me much more than I wanted or expected. His generosity overwhelming and amazing is beyond what I could have ever imagined.

Reason 73; to the girl (food) I love with all my heart

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 47 to One Year


This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected - in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness; it took entire possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement, that this was for life. ~ Thomas Mann

In the quote above we assume we are talking about a person, but I remember on certain occasions almost coming close to having an orgasm on a bite of my favorite substance. I am sitting in the kitchen writing my blog post when suddenly the refrigerator starts up. It hums quietly, enticing me to come over and feel it, to open it. I want to know and see what is inside.

The phone jingles, it's letting me know it is a text message. It's her, the girl I love with all my heart. I pick the phone up and read the message. It is not about the food. It is about feelings, feelings I haven't felt before. The feelings are full of excitement with a slight pinch of fear. It is a good fear, an awareness that I am more alive than ever. There is nothing clouding or numbing my thoughts or emotions. Food only sustains my life, not controls it or overwhelms it. It is happiness!

The girl I love with all my heart text messages me: “Good mornin' my love. I have butterflies about seeing you. Hope you slept well. xxo”. As a compulsive eater, my heart melts reading her words, tears flood my eyes as I am standing in awe and in gratitude to my Higher Power. What did I do to deserve this?

I did everything I was told. I did everything as it is written in the literature. I do all the tools, not just one or a partial of one. I weigh and measure my food. I work the program and take the Twelve Steps. But, most of all I am of service. I do not need to eat a triple layer of something to have a triple orgasm. I can do this by doing service, service, service and more service. Service helped me get out of myself so God could bring her to me. I no longer look for satisfaction in food, but in the action I take in being of service to others. I have never been so satisfied in all my life. I was doing service when she found me. Thank You God.

Reason 74; Snickerholic Slut

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 48 to One Year


Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, “You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.” ~ Dave Barry

It baffles me the things I think of and the things I can't. I was thinking of all the Snickers bars I have eaten in my lifetime, which leads me to believe there is something wrong with me! I was such a Snickerholic that it didn't matter what condition the bar was in. It could be delivered to me crushed and it would still get eaten. If it was melted from the Texas sun, I'd lick the wrapper. If the candy bar was frozen solid I'd gnaw on it like my Jack Russell Terrier chewing a bone. I was such a Snickerholic slut; but then I was such a male whore for other delectables.

On New Year's Day, I was doing my 9 mile power walk when I decided it would be a good idea to do a marathon. This idea came out of a major resentment. Everyday that I am out there power walking, there are little stands, stalls, booths, counters where articles of food are displayed for sale. I have been trying my damnedest to stay abstinent, improve my speed and distance, and here are these little businesses trying to sell me junk food. I look at people purchasing these items and think to myself it doesn't make sense. Why would you exercise 45 minutes to 1 hour or more to eat more junk?

I've come to discover that grains (my slice of Ezekiel bread) even if it is only eaten in the morning manages to remain in the body acting as a catalyst and inhibitor. I believe grains (flour – whole or enriched) retains its ingredients as a form of laden sugars. This causes fat from food to remain in the body thereby causing weight loss to stop or slow down. Which is why I believe the other resentment garnered – not allowed to have grains after 30 days – had too much weight to lose allowed me to lose a lot of weight in such a short period of time. Both resentments later became an attitude of gratitude.

Reason 75; Living An Abstinent Life

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 49 to One Year


Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. ~ Unknown

LOVE, that is what has been waiting to get out. For the first time in such a very long time, I have joy. And the love that overflows between us is amazing and wonderful. I didn't expect such an overwhelming, intense and unbelievable feeling. On the opposite side, I can't imagine how much of my life I wasted on eating myself to oblivion, to a state of numbness, to walking around in life as a zombie eating everything in sight.

The overwhelming fear that it must have taken to eat myself to death. I wanted to die! I can't imagine the experiences I missed out in life by eating compulsively. Now, I (we) have something to look forward to – the rest of our lives living an abstinent life.

It was so much fun eating dinner last night. The main focus was not the meal we were having, but that we were together. It was the same place we had dinner at as friends. The powerful attraction when we first met was like a very strong magnet. It was as if God was guiding us to each other. The fear I first faced flirting with her began as a strong trepidation against everything I had known in life. I was walking through the unknown.

Eating compulsively does not leave room or time for anything else, much less romance. The only thing I thought I loved and it loved me was food. Now, I know different. There is no lie I am trying to believe. My feelings are real and intense, not covered up by food or sedated with artificial sweeteners. I touch her and I can feel the hand of God in my life. It is a miraculous feeling.

Reason 76; 100 Days Of Monday Morning Diets

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 50 to One Year


Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. ~ English Proverb

I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself that on Monday morning I will start my new way of living, that I will eat like a “normal” person. The illusion that I can eat “normally” is the delusion that this time it will be “different” that this time I will do it “perfectly” from now on. I eat for no reason at all except to “numb” out my feelings. I do not know how to do or deal with feelings. In reality, feelings are not facts, they are just feelings.

In my other blog, Strange Mental Blank Spots, I speak about the lack of “spiritual” awareness living in day to day situations. This lack of awareness is so subtle that it sneaks up when one least expects it. The situation can be so uneventful, innocent and mistakenly invisible that I have caught myself with the “hand in the cookie jar” and suddenly coming to the immediate realization. “What am I doing?” At that very moment, in an instant my mind debates whether “I should” or “I shouldn't” eat what I have in my hand. My only defense must come from a Higher Power since my mind rarely takes God into consideration. It is self-will run riot.

The new threshold I have crossed recently is that I am very happy. While problems still abound in my life, happiness is a much harder challenge. The mixture of fear and happiness seems to mingle in my mind like oil and water. Negative thinking moves in like an invisible gas permeating the goodness in my life seeking to destroy what God has given me. It may be a “habit” or “instinctual” to reach for a “goody” treat, but my life today is filled with an awareness. I must watch for “stinkin' thinkin'” just as I must be aware of what I put in my mouth.

Reason 77; A Fortress Of Wealth For A Pot Of Gold

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 51 to One Year


A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous. ~ Ingrid Bergmen

I wanted a pot of gold and received a fortress of wealth. In abstinence, as in sobriety the search for recovery is an accumulation of time. It is the selfishness and my self-centeredness that keeps me from surrendering. I want, I want and I want it now!

My character defect of greed continues to shortchange myself. I recently heard at a meeting, “Let go of the image so you can see the vision!” which means I have a realized description of what I want in a relationship; but if I let go of that rendering in my mind and let the vision of a Higher Power enter, then I am apt to have my expectations exceeded beyond what I think I can have.

It's been few weeks since I surrendered my expectation of a relationship. And when I least expected, she entered my life. While I still try to hold on to the pot of gold (greed) hoping it will materialize into something more, I am seeing the vision of my Higher Power has provided me with something much better than what I might have imagined. The character defects of lust, envy and gluttony fosters the “want” of something I can't have (pot of gold); it doesn't allow me to let go.

Sit and do nothing is as much as an action as doing something, which is what I am attempting. I don't know where this relationship is headed, or if we are suited for each other long term; but the past couple of days my Higher Power has shown me the benefits of staying abstinent and working the program. If I continue to turn my life and will over to His care, it not only allows me the key to willingness of acceptance, but the freedom to be myself with someone who is wonderful and a heaven to be with.

Reason 78; Compassion

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 54 to One Year


Make no judgments where you have no compassion. ~ Unknown

Often, I will look at my “fat” pictures and the feeling of self-hatred will surface. Not that I hate myself at the moment, but that I hate that “I let myself go” to the extent that I did. I can't change the past, nor the feelings of what I lost. The disease of compulsive eating is overwhelming. I lost time, lots of time eating myself to oblivion. The experiences that “normal” people have were only a fantasy in my mind. I wanted what they had but could not stop eating long enough to realize what I was missing out. I had to look to the food as a way to numb out. I had no dignity and self-respect because the disease of compulsive eating contributed to the ambivalence of living a life with no purpose. The only thing I wanted to do was eat.

There is a big difference in my life today when it comes to compassion. When I was “fat” at 417 pounds I looked at other “fat” people and judged them for letting themselves get to the stage that I hated looking at them. I had no compassion for them much less for myself. Now, when I see an over-size person I feel sadness, empathy and feelings of loss. It is a loss of days, months and years where nothing happened, and no experiences occurred, only the emptiness of wishing and wanting a life that was not possible.

Living a life beyond my wildest dreams is what I'm experiencing today. Being of service is the best possible method for living a dream. Getting out of myself, letting go and having the gratitude for what my Higher Power has given me and has not given me is where I am at today. For this, I thank God.

Compassion is the second of Seven Spiritual Weapons I use.

Reason 79; Do You Believe?

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 55 to One Year


Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” ~ Lewis Carroll

I have no idea why I have been so blessed. If you told me just a little over ten months ago (311 days to be exact) that I will lose 145 pounds, I would have said you are out of your frickin' mind! Am I that special? I think not. So what is the difference between me and the next compulsive eater?

It began with a single thought. The number one reason most people don't start what they want to start is because they think their simple, little efforts won't even dent the mountain they wish to move. But little do they know that’s exactly how the mountain was formed. That little message I received one day from the Universe was the beginning of the end of my self-destruction. It stuck with me in my mind and still continues to do so with things that I wish to accomplish. What is the first thing I had to do? I must accept myself where I am at and work for a desire to change. How am I to achieve that? The answer is I made several decisions. First, I decided to stop eating compulsively, once and for all. Second, I gave myself permission to fail, not that I am to fail, but I allowed myself the ability NOT to be perfect. Remember it's those little efforts that make the dents in the mountain I wish to move. This also grants me permission to start over however many times are needed in order to succeed. I will never give up!

Diligence is the first of Seven Spiritual Weapons I use.

Reason 80; I Think Fat Makes Me Invisible

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 56 to One Year


Once the elephant has entered the tent, the tent will never be the same. ~ Hindu proverb

I love elephants. They have been my symbol of my persona ever since I can remember. Elephants are strength, gentle and memory. I recall in graduate school being in one of the toughest class of the university, sitting in the back in a slide in desk. I was trying to hide from the world by sitting in the back row. I was so huge that I only had one butt cheek on the seat, the rest of me hung off. It was very painful and uncomfortable, but I managed to make it through two semesters of the mental torture.

During the first semester, I had a conference with the professor of the class. The minute I walk into her office she says to me, “Let's see how are we going to make you famous!” Negative thinking instantly entered my mind. At over four hundred pounds, there was no way in hell I wanted to be in the limelight. Somehow the conversation managed to get onto the fact that I was trying to hide in the back of the classroom, that I didn't participate much on class discussions. I gave her my reason and excuse which she did not buy. She said that no matter what I tried to do to keep from being noticed, it would be impossible for me to disappear; that my soul, my spirit are too overwhelming not to be noticed. I felt despair.

Today, I still have a hard time with being in the spotlight. The weight loss, the change in demeanor puts me in an entirely different level (a person of attraction like the program of attraction), yet I still feel I am fat and overweight even though I am not – I still have about 72 pounds before reaching goal and maintenance weight. I must remember, one pound at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time.