Reason 32; A Sweet Surprise – Mission Impossible

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Thinning Down To Goal Weight – 200 Pounds


Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. ~ George Carlin

I started using again. ~sigh~ It is not that I started eating again, it is the fact that I am using artificial sweeteners again. I don't hate myself. I hate the things I do to myself. I don't know if it is just a habit or years upon years of self-imposed flagellation. It started last night with the use of sugar-free syrup. I thought it was harmless. The syrup usually does not bother me, or that it makes me want more; it is the fact that it triggers my obsession for something sweet. I had a few squeezes on a non-calorie substance, which I usually eat without the sweetener; but I decided what the heck and poured some on.

I believe I am addicted to “sweet taste.” I try to keep it under control, for example I can have a few raisins on a salad and it will not affect me. But, if I have the raisins by themselves it will keep me wanting more. I cannot eat just one, like a potato chip. I have to have the whole bag. Not that I am eating cookies, but I don't like raisins in oatmeal cookies or in my oatmeal; which people have found my taste for certain items or lack of certain items indiscernible.

My simple mind is very complex. It is constantly searching ways to destroy itself and with me along with it. It will use anything – people, places and things. It will find excuses, reasons and ways to justify it's self-destruction. Its mission is to destroy my life and kill everything I have worked for. This why I can understand why people who binge on fruit on their food plan makes perfect sense to me.

It is not that easy to quit, which is why it is easier to stay on the wagon than to try to get back on. I blame no one, including myself. I have a problem. There is no reason why I want to destroy myself, but my mind is set to explode. It is like those movies with the bomb about to explode with the clock timer counting down. There has to be some miracle to get it to stop. My mind is still counting down!

My mind has been obsessing about other sweet delectables. I cannot seem to stop its incessant thinking and obsession of other goodies. I am doing nothing – for doing nothing is doing something. I am not eating compulsively. God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I will not eat compulsively. And right now, it is mother-freakin' hard. I am sure you know what I mean.