Reason 26; This Is But A Beginning

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for the blue skies when life is gray!


It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways. ~ Buddha

There are days that sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten out of bed! Then there are days life is full of chaos where life is falling apart and I am totally serene. But, some days, like today is a day where life slaps me in the face. Ouch! And it really hurts bad.

I have been listening to my mind for a very long time. It is like a digital voice recorder storing useless and hurtful information about myself. My mind has recorded information, things about me I constantly use to hurt and belittle myself. I repeatedly continue playing the same statements in my mind; so I may be able to use them in the future to screw myself over with. They are statements people have said. I use them to keep my life in pain and from living a happy, fulfilled life. My life sucks big time because my mind tells me so! I cannot seem to let go of some of the statements. I want to use them to hurt myself because as a person I have no value; no self-esteem, especially in regards to my professional life. I am not what I have said all along – an artist.

The mind is an amazing thing. I can instantly recall exactly how a certain food item tastes, how it feels in my mouth. I can remember how it made me feel, how fast it took for the food item to send me into oblivion. The statements I heard long time ago do the same thing to me. If I want to feel bad, I will recall them, instantly using them to make feel depressed, frustrated and worth-less. This is where self-hatred and anger starts to surface causing me to self-destruct, causing the need to eat compulsively.

There is a word that I love to use causing me to avoid what I am really thinking about. It is a word that hides all feelings; that word is “probably”. I know for a fact I am avoiding being the person I am to become, because I am “probably” afraid. The word “probably” is like the other word I love to use - “try”. It is a word that is so over-used and meaningless; it keeps me from living a life worth finishing. I will never get anything done or finished because I am only “try-ing”. It was pointed out to me I am either doing something or I am not! Either I am in fear or I am not!

I am in “FEAR” and the statements I have stored in my mind keep my life in the state it is in – nothing. I am nothing, doing nothing, accomplishing nothing in regards to my professional life. My professional career, self-esteem is nothing because that is what I am - nothing.


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272