Reason 19; Scared Of My Own Shadow (addicted to fear)

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my life!


That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. ~ Drew Barrymore

Despite all the crap that has happened to me in my life; I am just okay! One would think after almost 26 years of sobriety and one year of abstinence I would have my life together; but I don't. It is totally out of control. My life is more unmanageable now than it has ever been before. Since achieving my year of abstinence I am completely unfocused, haphazardly disorganized – all over the place, irrational, totally insane trying to juggle everything, trying to get my life in order and it is not happening!

My life is falling apart at the seams and it is okay! My food, the weight loss, everything that I thought that was important is no longer. I wish I was in control of my life, the people around me, the outcome of situations, the results I want from God for my life. I want to be able to live life on life's terms, yet I am unable to accept God's gifts for me. There is a part of me that wants to control everything even what God has in store for me. The big question is how much trust do I have in God and my ability to accept His will for me?

My biggest problem is letting go! Letting go of the fear is something I am not comfortable with, it is what I know. There are times I don't think about fear, like when I am eating compulsively. All I want to do is consume large amounts of food and how best can I achieve hurting myself. I want to fill the large empty void left by pain, resentment, anger, self-hatred and a multitude of character defects. Selfishness and self-centered fear is at the core. Even walking outside the front door produces unfounded fear, like will I be struck by a gigantic meteor the moment I step down the front steps?

I will make art (love) and have no fear!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272