Reason 18; Compulsive Eater – Fear Addict

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life!


The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, “Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.” She's got a baseball bat and yelling, “You want a piece of me?” ~ Robin Williams

I am so fuckin' tired! I am tired of living life! It is not even that, I am tired of all the bullshit I have to put up to get something done. Life never comes easy! If working the program is so fuckin' simple that even a caveman can do it, why is it that cavemen are extinct? Shit! If this program is so simple, then why am I bitchin' and complaining? Am I on my way out for extinction? Just once, just once when I want something, I would just like someone give whatever I want without having to listen to a litany of crap; and I want them to give me what I want with a smile on their face as they kiss my bony ass! I can say that because I am being defiant, resentful and angry. I can also say that because have lost so much weight that my butt bones ache (hurt) when I sit on a hard surface like a metal chair. Poor me!

The “problem” is that with my compulsive eating problem I want to be exempt! I have a problem “thinking”, “feeling”, and a spiritual disease that manifests itself as compulsive eating and alcoholism. The spiritual disease for me is fear, self-centered fear and selfishness. I am not wanting to surrender anything for anyone; not even to myself! Isn't it enough that I don't eat sugar, white flour and in between meals? And now I must give up my fears?

As a compulsive eater, I talk about food, even the food that is not on the food plan. I believe by talking about food, I remove any power it has over me. I diffuse its power over me and the power I think I have over it. It is the same with my fears. I talk about my low professional self-esteem. I know as a person I have low self-esteem, but on a professional level it hit me hard as I listened to the words. I had to accept to my inner most self that I am in incomprehensible fear! Gut wrenching fear! I am in fear of my success as an artist and person. Part of this fear is avoidance and indecisiveness; another demon that I must battle!

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my Abstinence!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272