Reason 52; I Am My Only Fan

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence Watch – Day 19 to One Year


I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. ~ Mother Teresa

I am my only fan! Yep, the story of my life.

When I started doing service in the meetings I attend, I found myself in a paradox. I'd talk myself into a resentment. I thought the people who came late to meetings, after I had set up all the chairs were ungrateful bastards; not realizing I was the one who was selfish and self-centered. It was “all about me”.

Today, it is still “all about me” but in a very different scheme and attitude. What I give to the world, the world will give to me. I am no longer that “selfish” person and find myself over compensated in what I have been freely given. I catch myself wanting to give back more and more because the life I have is one of the most “fuckin' amazing” life I could not have ever imagined.

In previous writings, I shortchanged myself a great deal. God in His infinite wisdom and power has shown me when I align my will to that of my Higher Power, then there is no end to the love I can receive. I am one of the luckiest guys on earth. I have nothing to show for, but I have the Universe in my heart and soul. It is an awesome feeling I feel on a continuous basis.

I often question the coincidences in my life. Why do things happen the way they do? Why am I and other certain people put into my life? I think about it. The only reason I can come up with is that “God loves me”. God knows what is best for me. When I think that certain person, place or thing is what I want – I find it is not the right person, place or thing for me. It is my resistance to not getting what I want that causes me the most pain.

When the girl I love with all my heart came into my life did I expect to be able to love again? No, I did not. Six years ago, my heart was ripped and torn into shreds to the point I gained the 127 pounds I had lost and then some more. I wanted to kill myself by eating myself to death – I almost did. The thought of having 217 pounds to lose is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and despair. It is by the Love and Grace of God that I am here today – 151 pounds lighter . . . the girl I love with all my heart is a gift from my Higher Power, for which I will always be forever grateful.