Reason 145, As The Year Comes To A Close

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am filled with extreme gratitude for everything I have been given. While I am so very happy, I am also permeated with extreme fear. While this fear has some thrilling moments of excitement, I cannot be but aware of the impending doom that is always on the surface of my existence. It is the negative thinking that is dormant during the silence of my obsession. My obsession is wanting to believe the lie – the lie that deters me from living a full life. That lie manifests itself in forms of addictions, denial and obsessions of the mind.

What I must do is walk through the fear, through the darkness of my life and search for the light – that light is the power and essence in my being that shows me which path to take. Faith is walking in the darkness knowing that obstacles will appear causing delays, jams and knowing it will be necessary to change paths.

As the new year approaches, I so look forward to the new experiences brought about by the changes in the past year. Three days, one week plus seven months of following the (abstinence) food plan with 123 pound weight loss. One meal at a time, one pound at a time, one day at a time I look to the future with extreme anticipation. 94 pounds to go; 144 days until my first year! I know I can make it with my Higher Power's help and guidance. Thank You God!

Reason 146, In An Imperfect World

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

It is extremely difficult combating my need – the temptation to believe the lie. The voice is a constant banter, relentless, unforgiving and lives inside my mind. When I think the voice is dormant, is the time that is most dangerous. I must always be aware, on my toes when temptation will suddenly appears. I try not to listen and be still waiting for it to pass, yet it comes back in full force stronger than before. I have a Higher Power that is mightier than the problems I have. It is up to me to have faith and hope in that I am taken care of when I don't really want to believe.

Reason 147, Caution: The Danger Is In The Mind

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Obsession is believing the lie. When I heard that my understanding of how my mind works became a little more clearer. I can't trust my mind. I cannot trust my mind to produce definitive emotions based on actual facts. I want to see (believe) what I want to see (believe).

The other fear aspect of my obsession is manipulation – of results that I wish to obtain. Manipulation becomes less of a frightening experience because I believe I am in control. Manipulation appears as excuses, reasons and variations of loopholes to do what I want – to get as the final result. All manipulation is done in fear.

Surrender is a must. Deception of others is rooted in myself. I cannot, must not believe everything my mind tells me. I rely on people who have gone before me to show me the path. On my own I become my worse enemy. My best thinking will have me in the pit of despair called negative thinking. This is where I want to kill myself, destroy all the good things in my life, ruin the lives of others because I feel I am a victim. I volunteer in fear.

Reason 148, Not Giving Up Without A Fight

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

What fears are keeping me from losing the rest of my weight? I usually say it is the fear of the unknown, but what is that fear exactly? Am I afraid of who I am to become?

To love and have no fear. Both are huge endeavors that at times seem very hopeless to me. To conquer fear has been a lifetime battle just as love is an endless search. In several instances I have been successful and in others I have been thrown into a pit of despair. I have finally come to accept my life the way it is. I work toward change, but without the expectation of the end result. On occasion, I lose faith in myself, in my Higher Power. But, I do not become so hopeless that I turn away from my path, instead I sit still and wait it out. It is a necessary custom since most of my life I have spent destorying myself.

What do I do to stay alive in the moment? I remain hopeful. I try not to dwell in the negative and look for positive outcomes or solutions. I pray and meditate for inner peace.

Reason 149, It Is All About Me!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Why do I want to lose weight? Aside from being totally insane with irrational behaviors in regards to food, the thinking that goes behind the disease of compulsive eating, I am a selfish person. I am first to point out my defects of character before anyone else has the chance to destroy me. No one can hate me as much as I can hate myself.

Selfishness is not a good attribute to possess. I was extremely selfish when it came to my consumption of food. There is not enough food in the world to fill me up. Presently, I have been obsessively selfish about my weight loss. I want to lose the most of amount of weight in the shortest amount of time. Instead of turning my weight loss over to my Higher Power, I am going nuts trying to manage my weight loss. It does not work.

The reason for my incessant need to lose weight is that I have not lived a full life. I have been dead for most of it. When beginning my journey in this weight loss, I searched for a name. It was “Dead Fat Man” I am no longer dead.

Reason 150, Fear Is Negative Thinking

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Why do I want to lose weight? I was reading this question at another site and it got me to thinking about the reasons why I want to be thin. Do I think my main reason is a healthy one? Probably not, but it is an honest one. There are many reasons why I stopped killing myself with food. When I think back to the beginning of where I used to be and where I am today, there is no comparison. I am an entirely different person.

The belief that bad things happen to good people regardless of how good or how bad they live their lives. When bad things happen to me, I take it personally. I shouldn't, but I do. I can't help it. It is one of the main reasons I ate compulsively. I ate because I was angry, happy, sad, thing were going my way and not going my way. I ate for any excuse for any reason. I couldn't help myself.

It has been said that people come into the program for the vanity and stay for the sanity. It is a given truth for me – I haven't yet been restored to sanity.

Reason 151, Yeah! The Devil Made Me Do It

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Growing up as a youngster my parents advised me that if I didn't eat everything on my plate the devil would come and take me away. Guilt was a tool used by my parents. My three brothers and I were told there were people in Africa dying of hunger. Up to this day, I do not know if I saved anyone from their demise by stuffing myself.

As a compulsive eater I don't know if I was brainwashed into believing certain ideals or if I was born this way – to eat obsessively. I can't leave anything on my plate. Until recently, I eat everything that I am allowed. Now, I usually leave a couple of spoonfuls on my plate. Maybe it's an act of defiance on my part against the belief that I have to finish everything on my plate.

Which comes to the thing I wish to talk about – negative thinking. The belief that bad things happen to good people regardless of how good or how bad they must have lived their lives. When bad things happen to me, I take it personally. I shouldn't, but I do. I can't help it. More tomorrow ~

Reason 152, Heaven Help Us All

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am beginning to find out that it is not the white substances – refined sugar, artificial sweeteners, salt or white enriched flour that I have a problem with, it is my mind! If I could only surrender my mind – its thoughts, its bad, incorrect decisions, negative thinking. In the AA Big Book, page 23, it states “Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic (compulsive eater) centers in his mind, rather than in his body.”

Then comes my self-will, which once aligned with my mind produces justifications and loopholes to why I must do what it is that I want. It is a vicious cycle one that I cannot stop on my own.. On page 24 of the AA Big Book, it states “At a certain point in the drinking (eating) of every alcoholic (compulsive eater), he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking (eating) is of absolutely no avail.”

Once my emotions become involved then it is all over – depression, anger, suicidal thoughts enter my being as if conquered by a parasite. Only a spiritual experience of a conscious contact with my Higher Power will produce a daily reprieve needed for arrest.

Reason 153, A Resentment of Hunger

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am always hungry! Even after I finish eating my meal I still feel hungry. An impending doom comes over me. Am I going to make it to my next meal? I must realize that one has died of hunger in between the four hours of a meal.

This coming Sunday, December 21, 2008 I will have seven months since I started my abstinence (food plan). After 30 days, I asked my Sponsor if I could add grains to my dietary intake. He said no, that I had too much weight to lose. Did that ever create a major resentment? Hell Yeah! I wanted to eat my little slice of Ezekiel bread every morning with a smidgen of butter.

Now, my Sponsor did the best thing he could have done for me. I no longer resent him for my lack of grains. Instead, I am amazed that I have seven months of freedom from my obsession. I used to obsess about eating the damn piece the minute I woke up.

The resentment is now on my disease. Why can’t I eat like a normal person? Why can’t I just have one and be finished with it? Answer: it just is.

Reason 154, I Am Always Hungry

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Almost every morning I wake up in a panic. I am starved feeling like I am going to die of hunger, yet it has only been twelve hours since my last meal. A sense of worry enters. Do I have enough food in the house? Will the world run out of food? Do I have enough gas in the car to go to the supermarket? In my mind, I run through a list of all the food items in the kitchen cupboards, the pantry, which is usually full, the items in the refrigerator, in the freezer. What am I going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner today?

An immediate sense of relief enters having gone through the items in the kitchen like the price scanner at the grocery store. I relax thinking it was a close one. I ask myself what do I feel like eating today? What will give me the most bulk for the money? I’m a compulsive eater; therefore I want more bang for the buck. I am selfish, if it weren’t for weighing and measuring my food; I’d think a whole side of beef as four ounces.

I call my Sponsor to commit my food.

Reason 155, Recalling The Past

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Don't you just hate people who are annoying and won't leave you alone to live in whatever misery our minds have conjured up? Well, I certainly do. I love to live in isolation, be alone with my mind, with the drapes closed and all my binge foods around me. That's a very scary thought, but I have done it. I have either been too scared to come back to the rooms (program) or too damn proud that once again I have failed at trying it at doing it alone.

You know, if you don't care - then no one cares. It is the sad truth. I had two people from the stupid program call me once and ask me how the hell I was doing. Can you believe that? What could I do? Lie? I don't remember what I had said but something about the calls made me realize something. It was so profound that I was astonished. It is okay! That's it - simple. It is okay about everything that I have done and what has happened. It doesn't matter. I can always start over again.

When I have fallen do I stay on the ground and not get up?

Reason 156, Artificial Sweeteners

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Lately my obsession is to compulsively use artificial sweeteners. It is as if I am tricking my mind that it is okay to eat something sweet. It is one thing to use a packet or two, but when it exceeds several, then it becomes a problem.

The problem is not that I use way too many artificial sweeteners, it is the fact that I use it with something else that I also really enjoy. It becomes an obsession that I want more and more of, then I am not able to stop.

Today, I surrender artificial sweeteners to my Higher Power. I cannot handle it. I have been obsessively thinking of what I can have the sweet white powder that will make any food much more palatable. I keep asking myself. "What can I have?" That is obsessive thinking. I am not really living life because the thought about this substance has taken the place of everything else in my mind.

The sad thing about my surrender is I really don’t know how I am to handle the withdrawals. It is like starting a diet. Sure, the first day is freakin’ easy, but it is the days afterwards that are a bitch.

Reason 157, Countless Vain Attempts

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

My obsession to eat compulsively has been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove I can eat like other people. I cannot tell you the number of methods I have used to control my weight. Diets never worked for me. Fasting was always short lived with binge eating following soon afterwards, usually occurring once I had reached the desired length of time.

Eating three times a day is difficult for a person like me. So much of my emotions, thinking in regards to eating is tied to the event. I will eat over any person, place, thing or situation. Even though my meals are weighed and measured, I will still eat over my feelings or my thinking to whatever events occurred during the day.

While it is very difficult to stop eating compulsively, my battle begins the moment I make a decision on whether or not to weigh my food. Most often I will choose to weigh and measure my food on the basis that it keeps me honest and eliminates guilt and my obsession whether I ate too much or not enough. When I am honest about weighing and measuring I obtain an indescribable freedom.

Negative thinking is wanting perfection.

Reason 158, Keep It Clean!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am an addict! I can certainly be addicted to almost anything. My drug of choice has been whatever is at hand. It can be anything that will take me into oblivion. My addiction is really an obsession. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. ~ Pg. 23 AA Big Book

I have used many different substances to eliminate my life from existing in this world. Often other non-substance addictions, for example unhealthy relationship can be as powerful an obsession in my mind as food and alcohol. Lack of power is my dilemma and trying to control any part of my life most often leads to disappointment and frustration. Inevitably I end up using any form of addictive behavior to destroy myself.

I must be aware of the strange mental blank spots that will trick me into an obsession or any multitude of destructive behaviors that the most powerful desire to stop is of absolutely no avail. I must be diligent in my recovery. I must challenge myself to rid of my ego, self-will and self-knowledge that will not help me in those critical moments. I must rely on a Higher Power.

Reason 159, I Am Losing Hope

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

It is either all or nothing. I am afraid of falling off the wagon. I feel I am losing hope with God, with Abstinence (food plan), program and myself. I do not want to be one of those fat people that sit in meetings wasting their time. I have been there and done that for years. I have been to hell and I do not want to go back.

If working the program is the last house on the block I wonder why so many people leave. Is it that I don’t have faith that I can accomplish my weight loss goals? Sometimes I just have to go through the motions of daily living and not listen to the chatter in my head. It is when I listen to the voices in my mind when joined with my emotional uneasiness that I tend to spiral down.

I must keep a total open mind and an awareness that I can stumble over the smallest of pebbles if I am not diligent in my recovery. I must challenge myself and do more. I can still remember saying to myself as I piled food on top of my plate, a little more please.

Reason 160, I Have A Thinking Problem

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

If I could lose my mind, at least remove it once in a while from my head I’d jump at the opportunity. I have been working hard at losing weight. I am over half way there. It is very difficult to stop my mind from conversing. It keeps on talking and talking endlessly.

Most of the time it is endless chatter about life – what I should be doing/not doing. While my mind tends to make decisions, it procrastinates on certain duties; most of the answers are in response to fear. Fear of the unknown – what might or might not happen. Then when I don’t do the things I need to do I panic.

This morning I was driving on the job and looked up at a billboard at the same time listening to the radio talking about someone’s weight problem. I have no idea why this idea came into my mind or what caused it. But I thought that once I lose my weight I can eat like a normal person. I did not purposefully write "again" at the end of the preceding sentence because I have never eaten like a normal person. It is either all or nothing.

Reason 161, Desperation

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I need to have a gun at my head for me to do something consistently. I am the type of person who will look for loopholes in anything that I think I can get away with. I have been presented with a challenge. The challenge is to broaden my service for recovery, to enhance my growth by helping others with their spiritual malady.

I must stop perpetuating my own disease by constantly wallowing in self-pity (what I don’t have) and negative thinking (what I should have done/not done). It is a catch 22. When I am in desperation I have a fear of not getting what I want. When I am not in desperation I am afraid I will lose what I have.

In desperation I have the need to succeed, to win at all costs. But when I don’t have that desperation, then I run the risk of failure because it is all I know. When I am not desperate, I don’t have faith in my Higher Power only in myself. In desperation I have faith in God. I must somehow learn to turn my will and life when times are good just as when they are bad. I must remain surrendered.

Reason 162, FEAR, The Dreaded "F" Word

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

For most of my life I have been afraid living in constant fear. Fear has paralyzed certain aspects of my life often putting my well being in a state of denial. Most people, like myself, are not willing to admit they are afraid. These people must always appear to be courageous and brave all the time. I do not blame anyone for the fears that have manifested in my life. I have been working at removing the obstacles pursuant to the goals I wish to achieve.

The thing that really confuses me is when do I turn my life and will over to the care of my Higher Power. How do I know how much of my will to turn over? Don’t I get to use my will power so I may function and exist in society?

I realize food is only a symptom of a deeper problem. The lack of power is the dilemma I face three times daily. It is a spiritual malady where the obsession coupled with an allergy of the body keeps me in complete control with so much terror. A daily reprieve contingent upon a conscious contact with a Higher Power is the answer.

Reason 163, Almost Is Not Close Enough

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

It is freakin’ amazing the instant clarity one attains the moment a person weighs and measures the food to be consumed. Immediately, the food that doesn’t belong on the plate suddenly becomes a wanted treasure. Please, I want more! The food that is on the plate also appears to be not enough. Is this all I get?!?!

I realize I will not die in between meals, nor did I faint in malnutrition. I must laugh at myself when I attempted to do the food plan in the past. I did not own a digital scale. If I looked at the dial on the scale in one direction it would weigh more. If I looked at the dial in another direction it would be less; therefore, I could add another sliver of food.

If I am to speak about rigorous honesty, a digit scale works best. If I choose not to weigh my food then the degree of honesty becomes blurred. My success is limited by how honest I choose to be. The more honest I am the more success. Partly negative thinking, the part of me that says that I can get away with murder will kill me dead.

Reason 164, Waiting To Be Restored To Sanity

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

A powerful side effect of listening to my mind is self-sabotage. It is extremely difficult to avoid because I am so accustomed to listening to my negative thoughts. If a good positive thought surfaced I would not know what to do with it. I used to love to wallow in self-pity and despair, quite different from the outlook I have today.

I have a desire that needs to be satisfied and quenched. What it might be changes from moment to moment. I cannot seem to focus not even on a certain obsession. I really don’t like my life at the moment and that is because I feel my life is in limbo. I want to act out and cause some drama in my life. I really don’t want any chaos in my life yet I seem to think about it constantly. I search for some excitement yet I really do not want to pay the consequences.

I have fallen off track in regards to my meditation. It needs to be a daily practice. Something always gets in the way. I am either too tired to get up or life starts off racing once I open my eyelids.

Reason 165, Desperate?

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I sometimes wonder if I have lost my desperation. When I was sick with many ailments I wanted to survive. As I got healthier the desperation became less as the recovery began to take hold. As I continue to maintain a steady course with my healing and recovery, I find myself bored.

My mind is becoming irritable and discontent at the way life is moving or not moving. I need drama in my life and sometimes food is a catalyst for action, even if it is bad action. The other thing my mind tends to do is be into negative thinking. I am lost and confused.

Fear is the greatest deterrent in my life. It brings about a paralyzing overwhelming terror of the unknown. I know not what to do with my life, what to be or if I’m to be of service to others. I’m stuck in a rut. I am certainly doing nothing to move toward anything. I hate my life.

The important thing is working the program, doing the food plan and this is because I do not want to die. I might not have the life I want, but I am alive. Saint Jude, I need a freakin’ miracle.

Reason 166, I Am Miracle!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am a freakin’ miracle, but I feel I had only a small part in my recovery. I have been given a gift beyond anything that I could have done on my own. I just had to accept that gift and work the program as it is written. My daily reprieve comes from a conscious contact, that power came from my Higher Power.

I thought myself as a hopeless case. Nothing could stop me from hurting and killing myself with food – only a Higher Power could help me and restore me to sanity.

Everyday at every moment I am faced with negative thinking. It is a large part of my obsession with food. My mind never seems to stop thinking. If I could lose my mind it would eliminate problems that I would have not chosen to partake in. I believe that sometimes I have no choice but to participate in my negative thinking. I can’t help myself. It is an obsession in itself.

The thing I must realize is that I am not ever going to be perfect at anything. I have no control over my mind and what it thinks, to made it this far is a freakin’ miracle.

Reason 167, I Am Sicker Needing To Heal Quicker

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Why do I want to sacrifice something that I really want, my goals, my dreams, and the great relationship I am to have for instant gratification?

Food gives me that immediate and instant feeling that everything with the world is okay. Three time a day I deal with the Devil – my obsession with food. I hate the fact that I am a compulsive eater. I don’t care about being a normal person I just want to eat what I want. I know I can’t. One is too many and a dozen is never enough.

I fight my obsession with the ability to weigh and measure my food; this is where I meet my Higher Power – God and my surrender of food. When I weigh and measure my food I enjoy the freedom that I am being honest with myself and know that I am achieving the success I desire.

I want that pink cloud, the honeymoon of recovering to the person I am to become right now! The only way I know how to get that utopia of euphoria is by weighing and measuring. When I’m honest no longer do I need to worry about getting fat.