Reason 168, Just Another Day

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I do not know if it is a struggle or just boredom. Thanksgiving Day was a breeze. I had my menu for the day all planned out including all the things to keep myself busy. It went with out a glitch. The only thing I felt bothered by is the fact that I always want more even if it is more salad. I do not know why it is never enough.

During the meal, I wanted more, more of everything - just pile it on the plate. I didn’t care about the decadent crap everyone else wants to consume, the sugary and starchy stuff. I’d rather have meat. I don’t even like turkey and I wanted more, which was very tasty making it more of a pleasure to eat. I even had green beans, which I totally hate. I surprised myself by eating a couple of servings.

I kept myself in check with the butter, putting very little on my portion of butternut squash and a little on the green beans. It was delicious. I also limited myself with the salad, which I could have eaten a whole field of lettuce. It was very tasty and satisfying with minimal salad dressing.

Reason 169, Gratitude ~ Happy Thanksgiving!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Giving up control is a powerful thought. The act of surrendering can only lead to greater power. The empowerment comes after the admission of powerlessness and that my life is unmanageable. I take the first step every day, at every meal because I am a compulsive eater.

Once I have admitted my powerlessness, then I must come to believe in a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. It does not say would restore me to sanity, but could restore me to sanity. I must take the rest of the Steps to be restored. It’s not automatic.

My gratitude comes when I turn my life and will over to the care of God, as I understand God. This decision for me is easy, therefore making my surrender much more meaningful and with depth. As I surrender my obsession of people, places and things I am relieved of a spiritual malady. The allergy of the body, the obsession of the mind, and the emotional abyss not fulfilled compound the spiritual malady.

The gratitude is for the daily reprieve contingent upon a conscious contact with my Higher Power. I am grateful for not constantly thinking and obsessing about when and what I am to eat.

Reason 170, Stinking Thinking

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

What is my spiritual malady?

My spiritual malady is the thinking behind my obsession. I can obsess over anything. My obsession can have control over my life, my thinking and emotions. The obsession over food the malady is a symptom of a deeper problem. Powerlessness, I believe that I lack willpower, lack of power was my dilemma. I need to find a power greater than myself that will help me with my problem. I have no control over my obsession. My obsession can be about anything and everything. It can manifest unknowingly sneaking up when I least expect it.

The strange mental blank spots is where all of a sudden I find myself in my obsession not realizing how I got to that state in the first place. Self-knowledge and will power will not help me when I am in my obsession or unaware of my state of mind. It seems my power to choose what is right and wrong becomes a very difficult situation, more often giving into the temptation.

Another aspect of spiritual malady is negative thinking. As much as I like to think I am a positive person I find myself unaware of negative thoughts running through my mind.

Reason 171, HELP!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

What my Higher Power is not and why hasn’t He helped me?

The biggest difficulty is to realize I am not God. I think I am just as powerful, but when it comes down to it I am a wimp. I have no power much less control over people, places and things. Things happen for a reason. I am not the cause for that reason. Good or bad, the answer is in the attitude I take in regards to the events and situations in my life. I have no control; lack of power was my dilemma. I have none, no power whatsoever.

My Higher Power is my understanding of God Almighty. I am here because of Him. I like to think I am here in this very moment because of chance, destiny or fate, but in actuality I am here because of the Grace my Higher Power has bestowed upon me.

The question why hasn’t He helped me? The answer is very simple. I have not, did not let Him. Period! I let my ego and self-will run my life. Sometimes, I still think I can do a better job than God can, which is totally insane. God, please restore me to sanity.

Reason 172, Wait Patiently

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am waiting patiently for my Higher Power to restore me to sanity. In other words, I am still insane. I am insane on my different levels. One of the most baffling levels of insanity is saying, "Oh, that won’t happen to me!" or "One bite of such and such won’t hurt me." Would I stab myself after the first couple of puncture wounds and say it won’t hurt me?

Perhaps, the most insane thing I can think of is looking for the easier softer way. I want things on a silver platter to just fall on my lap and for someone to cater to my every whim. I do not want to work hard for the things I desire.

It is a constant battle. The voices in my head are loud and paralyzing. They continue on the path of torture bombarding me with I should do this and I should do that. It is not until I sit still in silence that I find relief. The message I am to hear I can then listen.

What path am I to follow? The path to sanity begins with being of service to others, by following the food plan.

Reason 173, Six Months Success Story

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I am blessed. I am grateful to my Higher Power for bringing me this far. I am amazed and shocked at the same time. I haven’t been perfect because it is about spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection. There are many things that I have learned about myself these past six months. I can go without grains. I will not die in between meals if the time span is longer than four hours. If I have a secret about my success this past six months it is the conviction not to compulsively eat no matter what and to strive for longevity one meal at a time.

I want to have a year, if I lose all my weight or not isn’t important. (Yeah right!)

The other important aspect of my recovery is the change in attitude in regards to the food I eat, the program I practice, the new friends I gained and the work I do with my spirituality.

What I have to look forward in the next six months? The possibilities are endless if I maintain the self – honesty, an open mind, and have a willingness to continue trudging on this path. I will love and have no fear.

Reason 174, Reality Is A Bitch

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

It’s not like I want to eat the world. I don’t have a feeling about that; it is that I really don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel what I am feeling now. I feel like running away but I can’t. Everywhere that I go there I will be. I wish I could leave me somewhere and I get lost.

It is not that I am hungry . . . I just want to eat and eat and eat for no reason other than to achieve oblivion. I am not bored. I need a distraction of some sort that will help me not feel what I am feeling. I no longer do addictions that will kill me. I even gave up salt.

Being unable to get away from my feelings, by numbing them out with a substance is an abnormal state for me. I am supposed to be loaded that is my normal state. Feelings are what I am not used to. Negative thoughts come and go most of the time I try not to listen to my head.

I will have this problem forever at least until I’m dead. That is a long time away I hope.

Reason 175, Oblivion

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

The problem is not life or how I have dealt with life. The problem is always me, no one else. I blame God; you and everyone else except me. I am perfect. I can do no wrong. If you do what I want you to do then everything including your attitude will be perfect. That is not the problem.

The problem is I want alcohol, food, people, places and things to put me in a state of oblivion. Again that is not the problem. The problem is the space between my ears, inside my head, what I think. If I can put my mind in oblivion then I will be in a tranquil state – a perfect state of being.

There is always a jackass that is unstoppable, unforgivable, and irritable and discontent. It is my mind. I can’t stop it from thinking. If I could lose my mind, remove it and put it away the world would be a better place.

I pray to my Higher Power because I am selfish, I want something. Do I stop and listen to His will? I can only stop my mind when I put myself in a state of meditation. When I sit still in silence.

Reason 176, I Just Don’t Give A Damn!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

My weight loss is screwing with my mind. When I’m fat and eating myself to death I have nothing to worry about, not a thing. I just don’t care! I don’t care about anyone or anything. The only thing that might get me to give a shit is if I run out of food, then off to the freaking store to get more crap. Food is not the only thing that screws with my mind. Not being enough, negative thinking, self-hatred makes me not care, I don’t care so long as it isn’t true. I love to lie especially to myself. It is like cheating with someone that someone is my ego. It wants to screw me and I want to screw with it.

Other people are also a nuisance.

My ego is on the rampage looking to destroy me. It will use what I think other people are thinking of me as a weapon. If I call you and do not return my call or you are just too busy for me then I will think what I think you are thinking and use it against me.

The problem is I think what I think. It sucks.

Reason 177, The Miracle Is Around The Corner

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Nothing is wonderful once you get used to it. The honeymoon is over. Reality has finally set in and I have choices. I am four days shy of having six months. I do not know how I feel about it. In some ways I am amazed at the transformation of my physical well being. I am no longer sick with high blood pressure, diabetes, edema and shortness of breath. One hundred seventy-six days ago I could hardly walk a block down the street. Presently, I can power walk nine miles in one hour forty-two minutes. Amazing!

I have choices. I can easily give up throwing away everything I worked for or choose to continue on my path of recovery. This gift is not taking into account all the great things my Higher Power has in store for me.

I have been given a gift. The gift of abstinence is very precious to me. I protect it by working the tools of the program whether I want to or not. I can sit idly just doing the food plan, then becoming a diet or I can do all the tools then watch all the miracles appear in my life.

Saturday Special: Reason 178, Why Should I Love Myself?

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I feel I can eat the entire world like a termite starting at one end eating my way through until the earth is all gone. This feeling is that of no particular emotion. I just want to eat, eat, and eat. It might be my spirit or being is in denial. I really do not know. I think a great deal of it has to do with self-hatred. I do not like myself. I don’t like the way I look or feel. The sad truth is I am avoiding hurting myself. I do not want to do something that will jeopardize my well being when I do like myself.

This is a very perplexing issue for me. When I look at myself I really don’t care for the person I am looking at. I will not do anything to like myself. To tolerate me is the best I can do. I no longer look for someone to validate me. I also no longer feel alone in the world therefore no longer looking for someone to fix me or love me. I am on the verge of self-acceptance. The person I want to love doesn’t love me and that is me.

Reason 179, I Eat Because Of Ism – I, Self, Me

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Why is it that I want to eat more than I need to? I have been sick for the past two days, now that I am feeling much better my appetite seems to have come back in full force. I want to play catch-up. It doesn’t make sense - my compulsion to eat. What is the driving force behind my obsession? Is it the after effect of an event or situation from my past?

I eat because of people, places or things. I eat because of feelings toward people either in resentment or anger. I eat compulsively because of the place where I am at in my life and it is not what I expected. I overeat because I desperately want but I am not able to obtain. Maybe I don’t want to feel my feelings or think my thoughts. These are the reasons why I eat compulsively. I eat because I love to eat. I love food and it loves me. Food does not inflict pain on me unless I eat too much of it where I become morbidly obese. I have also tried to kill myself by eating myself to death. It didn’t work.

Reason 180, No Excuse To Eat Compulsively

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Out sick, will be back hopefully tomorrow with a new post. Being sick is not a reason to deviate from my food plan.

Reason 181, Longevity

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

Surrender is not easy. I love to eat food. Giving up the food I love is like having a tooth pulled. I don’t want to let go. Food tastes so good especially when it tastes delicious. My mind knows exactly how good it feels in my mouth and tastes on my tongue. I know that one bite of the NOW forbidden food will do me in. I hate being fat because the food tastes great yet I know that too much of it will kill me. When I used to eat massive amounts of food, food did not taste as wonderful as it does now on my food plan. Everything is more tasty and delicious. I am not sure if it is the absence of the particular taste then that it is fresh on my taste buds or if my taste sensation is more discerning now that I am not eating everything.

The only way I can stay on my food plan is if I stay surrendered.

Reason 182, Thinking Machine Out Of Order

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I treasure my food plan (abstinence) more than anything else. The amazing feeling I get following the food plan is of euphoria, of having the obsession lifted. The negative thoughts of how my life is not going the way I want contributes to my thoughts about food. My mind thinks food will fix the problem, any problem. If I am sad, I eat. If I am happy, I eat. If I don’t care, I eat.

I can not fix my mind with a broken mind. I need help. I must be able to ask for help if I am to recover. Following the food plan and doing some physical exercise will certainly produce physical recovery. Seeing a therapist and discarding life long issues will produce a new freedom. But what about our spiritual maladies are we to ignore the necessary growth for long term recovery? That help must come in the form of a spiritual power.

My spiritual well being is stuck in a rut; decorating and giving it that lived in feel. It is a time for a change. How do I begin this change is by the acceptance of people, places and things.

Surrender is not easy.

Reason 183, When I Think About Cheating

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

My world will fall to pieces the moment I place the spoonful or heaping fork into my mouth. My mind will race to negative thinking with destruction of self-hatred right behind. In matter of seconds, the allergy of the body will trigger an obsession of the mind that is unstoppable.

I have spent years trying to get back on the wagon, back on the food plan. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do. I have heard it said many times that it is easier to stay on the food plan (abstinent) than to get on it.

I need to keep reminding myself that compulsively eating never did anything for me except make me fat. It might have put my mind into oblivion for a few, but in the long run it was destroying everything in my life. I lived in isolation, with self-loathing inverted outward to the world. I didn’t care about myself, anyone else or what might happen. I wanted to die.

Presently, I have a renewed hope, a bright future for new and exciting adventures. Life is a lot easier weighing over a hundred pounds less. Nothing clouds your perception of life.

Reason 184, OMG, I Am Insane!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

OMG! I have a phobia for fear of lack of control. I am a living anxiety disorder. There is no specific fear for "a fear of lack of control." OMG! I am undiagnosed. Loss of control is a symptom that describes what most phobics fear – a loss of control when confronted with whatever scares them the most. One of my fears is the fear of being out of control. Most of my life has been spent in fear, which is counterphobia – a psychological condition in which the affected person intentionally seeks out the object or situation that he or she fears, rather than avoiding it.

Instead I get to experience fear of the unknown and phobias that don’t make sense. I love being afraid, living in fear. My life is not a horror movie unless you consider eating yourself to death terrifying.

I want to be a machine, a robot with no feelings, which can calculate problems and come up with solutions in a matter of seconds. Many times I wish I did not have to feel and think about fears. Life would be so much easier for me.

Only thing we have to fear is fear itself. ~ FDR

Reason 185, Scared Fat

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I hate being fat because people do not see me. As an obese person weighing in at 417 pounds people did not really want to look at me. Being morbidly obese, people think I am contagious, that they might catch the fat bug. People stare at me with their peripheral vision trying not to acknowledge I am there. Normal weight people hope not to make eye contact because then they have to utter a greeting.

Most people do not want to look at an overweight person because people are afraid be eaten up as a meal or their food will be taken away.

People move away from a fat person because they think they might be squashed like a bug as the fat person sits down next to them.

As a fat man who has lost almost a hundred pounds, I possess a strange phobia of people, of being acknowledged as a person. My life has been in isolation hidden away from society. People laugh in shame at my inability to function being fat.

One of my fears is the fear of finding love that I am attractive enough for someone to love. I become afraid when someone says "hello" to me.

Reason 186, Serenity NOW!

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I hate being fat because of fat serenity. Fat serenity is living in denial that I am happy, content, that everything with world and me is okay. It is being the size of Santa Claus everyday of the year and saying it is Christmas. I assume people will accept and love me for the way I am. Not true! The only reason Santa Claus is accepted as he is is because he brings gifts - presents. He’s trying to buy your love.

As a fat man, I have had the need to buy a person’s love to be accepted. It is the only way I could feel that I was capable of loving. It is sad, but true, I need to buy love.

As I lose the weight reality sets in then there’s the shame. It is the incomprehensible demoralization is when I realize I have to give in order to feel. The sad realization is I have to give and give some more to get the attention I wish to have.

Giving to myself is the hardest thing I can do. To love me is not easy since self-hatred and trying to destroy myself is at the forefront of my existence

Reason 187, When Will I Be Good Enough?

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds

I hate being fat because even though I lost a considerable amount of weight, I still feel I am not good enough. I know it is a feeling. It is as if I’m waiting to be instantly cured as perfection. Though unable to interact with the rest of the world, I feel even more so as a freak of nature. I realize I am not my feelings or thoughts, yet to get rid of the negativity I must vocalize my lack of social aptitude.

What contributes to the negative feeling of not being good enough?

Sometimes I compare myself to others by either their physical attributes, such as weight loss or acceptance of where they are in life and their ease and ability to have relationships with other people.

I feel inadequate when it comes to relating with another person. I don’t interact well and I’m socially inept. I feel socially retarded, awkward and out of place. I am wary to risk making myself a fool, yet I fall short of any expectations I have for myself. I have accepted my lack of skill in this area of my life. I am not good enough to be myself.