Reason 12; The Literature People Do NOT Read V

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. ~ Jean Rostand


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“But in CEA-HOW the only way to continue the process, to risk the process, is by losing all the weight. Weight provides us with a buffer zone. When it is gone, we are suddenly out there, with all our flaws. Weight loss demonstrates that we are no longer afraid to be who our Higher Power has wanted us to be all our lives.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

I am totally in love! I am totally in love with the girl I love with all my heart. There is no one else, no one better I would rather do battle than, than with her. I have met my match! I can be myself, let my guard down, knock down all the walls I have built up protecting myself from the world. I am not ashamed to show my feelings and be who I am!

But, who am I?

At meetings, I qualify as a compulsive eater. “My name is Slim and I am a compulsive eater!” I have the disease of compulsive eating, but I am not my disease just like when I stated that I am not the fat on my body when I weighed 417 pounds. Who will I be when I weigh 200 pounds and maintaining my weight loss?

In my lover's quarrel with the girl I love with all my heart, it is not about who is right or wrong! It is also not about who is to blame. I will and most certainly admit defeat each and everytime. As I have as much a part (51%) in it as she does (49%). I just want to be heard, not necessarily understood, but to be heard! When I am in my disease of compulsive eating, the only thing I hear are the negative voices in my head; the voice of being a victim of how the world did not treat me right and what I did not get from it.

Relationships, especially those in recovery are most difficult to understand and maintain. For myself, not only did the weight (fat) provide a buffer zone from the world; it guaranteed more of a barrier from the feelings I am to feel. When that weight is gone, the only things left are raw, exposed nerve endings snapping in the wind like broken down electrical power lines. Along with raw emotions are also the feelings of fear, uncertainly and the inexperience of not knowing how to deal with relationships. This includes a relationship with oneself

As an artist, I am not what I do for a living, yet, it is a big integral part of who I am. For most of my life I have avoided who I am as an artist. I am in total fear when I make a piece of artwork, exposing my beliefs, thoughts and the beauty of how I see the world. I am inspired by the girl I love with all my heart when she tells me that she loves me, that she believes in me and what I do. I am so grateful to God for the girl I love with all my heart being in my life. I can see myself as she mirrors her own fears and insecurities of the person she does not know – herself. I am in awe of the overwhelming and impressive understanding that God in his infinite wisdom put us together as a couple. I know that I am far from perfect and that the girl I love with all my heart is not perfect, but as a couple we are perfect for each other. We both work strong programs, especially Al-Anon. As a compulsive eater, I eat over people, places and things. It is the feelings, my reactions to life situations that make my flaws that much more apparent to the world. Today, I am more readily able to accept myself the way I am. As I continue down the scale, with the weight loss I am no longer afraid to be what God has always wanted me to be. I am an artist, a person in recovery and a partner in a relationship that is loving and forgiving.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for Al-Anon!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs

Reason 13; The Literature People Do NOT Read IV

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ~ Mark Twain


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“CEA-HOW is not a race to thinness. It is steps to wellness. If we wish to testify to that wellness we will lose the weight and then get involved in the steps and service. If we do not lose the weight, we cannot do an “end run” in CEA-HOW by protesting that the program is “not about the weight.” It is as much about weight as AA is about being free of alcohol.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

Note from the Universe.

It reads:

The number one reason most people don't start what they want to start is because they think their simple, little efforts won't even dent the mountain they wish to move.

But little do they know that’s exactly how the mountain was formed.

I was there - The Universe

I am exhausted! I am tired. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have been moving this damn mountain for so long, I am totally exhausted. I am not even close to being done. Moving the mountain of fat from my body in the beginning was easy, it just melted off my body. Now, for almost four months I have been shoveling and it does not appear that I am getting anywhere. I am doing the same food plan and eating the same thing. It is getting boring. I am getting restless. I have no motivation for the things I used to do, like power walking. It is too damn hard, too damn hot to go out and walk where I reside. I am too exhausted in the morning to get up and go out early. It is no one's fault – except that I am totally unmotivated and don't seem to care.

I am at a point in my life where changes are about to occur. Maybe, I am standing vigilant watching - observing. I am watching and waiting for the “other shoe” to drop! Fear, like food is cunning, baffling and powerful; it sneaks into my life and being subtle as fog rolling into the stillness of the night. It moves silently, unnoticed appearing out of nowhere.

I am at the turning point! I will not leave before the miracle happens. I will work and do the program whether I feel like it or not. I will keep going! Good things are beginning to occur in my life. Eating will not make them come any faster or make my life easier for me to handle them. I must persevere.

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my fortitude and patience!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272

Reason 14; The Literature People Do NOT Read III

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. ~ Mark Twain


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“The operant phrase in CEA–HOW is “Many are called but few are chosen.” What we may not realize is that we choose ourselves. If we are not chosen it is because we have foregone our spiritual choice.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

I live in a couple of fantasy worlds: one is the thought of having my favorite cake in the world – German Chocolate Cake; two are the thoughts that things will happen on their own!

Wow! Am I in for a rude awakening! The total shock will fall on me like a ton of bricks. I know; I choose not to have my favorite dessert. It's the other fantasy that has me worried.

The thing about my thoughts is that I choose not to act out on them. I have a thinking problem with an inactive ability to do nothing. I think, I think, and I think some more; but do I act out on the things I want to occur? It seems today is the slowest day on earth. I am very busy doing something, but nothing gets done. I have been behind for a while in writing for the DP (Daily Pitch). I can never seem to catch up. I think there is something deeper, a deeper problem why I haven't been able to catch up and maintain my writing.

A friend calls me up and asks, “How is the fear?”

I respond with a sure and upbeat answer. “The fear is not there, but it is my ass that I am trying to get to catch up with my thinking!”

I think about my response as I am talking to my friend. Am I really trying that hard? Is fear really gone from my being, or is it hidden in the shadows of my heart, mind and soul? As I think about right now, I seem to be very disorganized and have no priorities set. I must focus. It is difficult to set my sights on a target when my attention span is of a goldfish – 3 seconds.

My abstinence was really going great when life unexpected as it comes decided to pile up and gridlock like the 405 Freeway. Then everything went to back to normal. I had made the decision to “eat out” at a restaurant abstinently. We all know that “eating out” you get more than the food plan allows; even though quote unquote it is “abstinent!” My mind was not prepared to deal without the scale. I ate at my normal eatery, ordered my abstinent food; then life got messier. My “clean abstinence” experiment of not “eating out” went afoul. It was thrown out the window because I did not prepare for life's unexpected turns. I failed to plan, therefore I planned to fail!

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for Outreach Calls!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272

Reason 15; The Literature People Do NOT Read II

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing. ~ Mark Twain


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“A program of recovery that starts with honesty needs to maintain that honesty and stay uppermost in the minds and hearts of its members. We are uncompromising about this aspect of the program. CEA-H.O.W. is not a “drop-in” social club. It is a commitment to this way of life, “no matter what!” Further, commitment in CEA-H.O.W. will not only put our life on a different basis, it will result in weight loss and maintenance.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

I am totally baffled at my need and desire to do things the easier softer way. I will try to find a loophole in any situation, a way out of any dilemma, circumvent feelings in regards to fears and indecisions and avoid issues that have been following me around for decades. I will try to do anything and everything except what has to be done!

I have a problem with sponsorship. The fact that I still have to call in my food every morning bugs the living crap out of me. I can do it on my own … thank you very much! But, in reality I might be able to do it on my own for a little while is only a indication of what is coming down the pike. I lie to myself, and sometimes I do believe in my own lie! That is the scary part. I will validate my own bullshit and make my obsession (lie) the truth. Not only do I have a thinking problem, but I have a faulty deception apparatus. It is suppose to know the truth from the lies or deceptions, not make up more crap! It tricks itself into believing such ludicrous, far-fetched fantasies like I can eat like normal people. I can have one and put it down. Or the best one of them all is: if I get another sponsor, will be able to have such and such and do this and that!

I have a fewer sponsees lately, which is okay by me. It has kept me abstinent. I am still here working with my own sponsor. Lately, I have been thinking about changing my sponsor. I don't have the faintest idea why I want to change sponsor. Maybe it has to do with the idea of looking for an easier softer way. Some sponsees decide they need to go back to the same sponsor they had before, this is after changing to the sponsor they have now. I am confused when they do that. It triggers co-dependency issues with me, but it is none of my business!

Maybe the thing about changing sponsors has to do with not being able to be honest, especially in regards to looking for an easier softer way. I don't know. If it works, why fix it?

I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for my Sponsor and Sponsees!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272

Reason 16; The Literature People Do NOT Read I

Why I Hate Being Fat – 217 Reasons ~ 217 Pounds


Abstinence is the most important thing in my life without exception!


To succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you. ~ Tony Dorsett


The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW


“Most of us have lived long lives with that old self. Therefore, losing the weight and becoming someone different is frightening and very uncomfortable.” From the pamphlet, The Meaning of Abstinence & Weight Loss In CEA-HOW

This is very thing I faced everyday, up until I stopped losing weight. The plateau for me is now a rut. It could have certainly turned into a grave if I hadn't decided to do something about it. It is amazing what giving up certain addictive items can do for you. The clarity of mind, the openness of spirit and the removal of addictive substances from the physical body leaves one wanting more. I want more and more and more.

The opposite side of this desire is my compulsion to be perfect; to weigh and measure down to the decimal unit of an ounce. Each decimal unit of weight is the degree upon which honesty is measured. I find the more honest I am in regards to weighing and measuring, the more honest I am about other things in life. Therefore, it is true it is easier to lie and cheat than it is to be honest and real. It is no wonder my addiction to food in its form of a compulsion to eat gave me the ability to deceive myself from life and people.

To this day, I cannot comprehend the illusion of fear. Where does it come from? Is it inherited? Learned? What makes us afraid of certain things but not others? Why are some people in fear while other are brave and courageous?

I am learning to live with my fear. The person I am to become is nothing like the one from my past. The weight loss of almost another person proves to me that fear is only an illusion. My negative thinking, avoidance, indecisiveness contributes to the fear I am working through today. They are only a few of the many aspects I am working to eliminate from my long list of character defects. I thought I was perfect, only to find out that I am less than imperfect.

I am inspired today by the beauty and weight loss of the girl I love will all my heart. I wish to stand next to her in maintenance weight fulfilling our hearts' desire with dreams and love. It is something we both must work hard at. There is nothing more difficult than seeing yourself in the reflection of another human being and realize the gift God has bestowed upon you. It is one of the many reasons I could not attract someone into my life when I was fat. I hated myself, therefore how could I love, much less like someone else and be able to accept their gift in return?


I will (love) make art and have no fear!


Attitude of Gratitude – Thank You God for the beauty in my life!


Abstinence Watch – Goal Weight – 200 lbs; currently 272