When Midnight Lasts 'til Dawn

. . . your greatest spiritual experience was when you decided to turn your life over to your Higher Power.


This morning I was sitting on the john thinking. It is not the best place to think about anything, but I had to get rid of stuff. I did inventory in my mind while also getting rid of excess waste from my body. I sat there thinking, contemplating, wondering how it must feel for a prison inmate on death row to wait for his last final day, hour, minute and the seconds preceding his death. Why I was thinking about this I have no idea. It just came to me sitting there. I tried to imagine the feelings how it must feel to wait for something knowing it is going to happen sooner or later.

Contrary, to my life, which the girl I love with all my heart and I were discussing, our life together recently is like a roller coaster ride. It's ups and downs swooping heavily the past few months. It is one of the reasons I have not kept up with my writing in this blog. Life gets really busy, sometimes getting really messy. The other idea I had this morning sitting on the john was to write, so here I am . . . writing.

One of the things I thought about – which is actually the second thought I had – was about the last meal the prison inmate has before his execution. Ah . . . the mind of a compulsive eater, always thinking about food, selfish and greedy to the very end. I asked myself, "What would I have as my last meal?" I tried not to think about it. Instead, I thought of the differences between my life and that of the inmate on death row.

The other place I do my thinking is when I power walk. Today, I power walked almost ten miles. Most of my time is spent in walking meditation. Here I thought about God's Grace, His Mercy for all the things I have done and not done. But, I still couldn't get my thoughts out of my head on the differences between my life and that of a prisoner on death row. The question I had for myself is “Am I a prisoner of my own existence, of my own fate?” I didn't know what to think.

If I had to look at my life, it has not changed that much. I am still struggling to find a job, to move in with the girl I love with all my heart and have our lives settle down. There always seems to be a barrier, a blockade that keeps me from getting a job or moving in with the girl I love with all my heart. What am I doing wrong? Am I being negative about something? Am I complaining about something? Is this the reason our lives seem to move in slow motion? Am I supposed to work only a couple of afternoons a week?

If I really look at my life, God has really taken very good care of my needs. But, I want more. I want what I want and I want what is the desire in my heart and I want it now. In God's time, not my time. I have to stop being so freakin' impatient and selfish. And that is too fuckin' hard when I want to be in control!


The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have. ~ Norman Vincent Peale


I must remember – fearless with complete abandon!

With Love, I Am Untouchable

. . . what taking the Third Step really means . . .


This post is based on question number 14 from the booklet “Reflections on Spirituality with Came to Believe.” When I embarked on using the questions as a topic for this blog little did I realize how my life correlates with the question at hand. Now more than ever, I need to practice the Twelve Steps in my life. Especially now that my financial insecurity is more rampant in my daily life. I keep praying, wishing and sending out résumé after résumé – nothing.

I ask myself, “Have I been complaining? Have I been murmuring against the will of God?”

Little do I know – anything. I know nothing. In the scheme of things, I am a speck of dust. I am a grain in the sand of time. I am just passing through on my way to eternal life. Along my travels, through this life, I have met some interesting folk and some that I wish I had done without. But, I know as I was told a long time ago that everything – the good and the bad are totally necessary. It (the bad) makes the good things look even that much more better. There, in that statement lies the question: What is my divine assignment?

Now, more than ever, I love God. I love the girl I love with all my heart and I love my life. At the moment, at least for right now, I have stopped – I have stopped figuring out what the hell I am supposed to be doing. I am doing the next indicated step – living in the moment. Yes, I have fear. But, I am also learning to live with fear by having trust in my Higher Power and building a faith in God that is stronger than ever – one that will sustain me in difficult times.

I have met many interesting people in my life. Some stay in my life for a very long time, others briefly. Some people leave an impression, others make a huge impact. I had the honor and privilege of meeting a person who was briefly in my life, but made a huge impact on it. I am forever grateful to God for allowing this person to walk into our lives. My life has been forever changed because of this man. It has allowed me to understand that life is much more precious than any material thing: that money, property and prestige mean nothing, that the only thing we have is this moment. The example of this man has allowed me to be a more spiritual man – to be in the presence of God, in His Light. That we are all loved.

. . . the girl I love with all my heart and I were having a garage sale. It is hard enough to put an end to a chapter in one's life without having the news of our friend passing on to the next dimension. I was in backyard dealing with customers, when I heard the yelling and crying of the girl I love with all my heart. Immediately, thoughts after thoughts of what might have occurred went through my mind. I rushed to the front of the house to find my girl sitting on the driveway sobbing uncontrollably. I walked up to her as she handed me her cell phone. I read the text message. Something in my being left me. It is hard to describe, but I have had it happen to me with people who have been an important part of my life. It was at that moment I realized my total surrender in my powerlessness. I stopped fighting everything and anyone. It didn't matter anymore what my selfishness and self-centered fear wanted. I wanted nothing and I didn't want anything.

The minutes afterward that ensued allowed me to understand a part of myself I had never dealt with. It allowed me to be present with people and not have any evil, any addiction present to numb out any feelings to oblivion. I was living in the moment and I could be of service to others. It allowed me to see that death is a part of life. And to believe what Mother Teresa said, “He who is closest to death is closest to God.” It also allowed me to know that no matter how immense my problems are, they are trivial – nothing – to not having the important things in life, which is the love of a Higher Power and the love from the people around me.

To our friend, Greg “Cupcake” B. ~ Rest my friend, you are with God.


Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death. ~ Author Unknown


Even death is powerless against the love God has given me – love prevails making me eternal and untouchable.

A Lover's Quarrel

Have you had a conscious contact with God?


I pray and hope that I have passed through the blackest years of my life. The longer I stay abstinent, the better chance at living a happy and joyful life. But, it is extremely difficult to live with a mind and emotions that are triggered by fear and negativity. Exposed to the program for over nineteen years, I used it as a diet, never as a way of life. I had many successful weight loss episodes where in a given month I could lose up to fifty pounds. Each time, I was a 30 day wonder and everytime I gained hopelessness and lack of humility.

I need to learn, that perhaps God wants me to become teachable. There is no truth, except for what I think and my best thinking got me to feel the misery in my life, the suffering of my being. Am I searching for something that will never mine? Am I trying to live a life that I am not destined for? Is my perception of what I think is my suffering really real or is my reaction to situations of my life an illusion of what is not there?

It is in abstinence that I live on a moment to moment basis. Sometimes, I cannot handle any more than that. On days that I choose to run a muck, it is in abstinence that fear and dread of another day that it has become a commonplace occurrence. I am learning to live with fear as I am learning to live with myself. It is not an easy endeavor when selfishness and self-centered fear are at the root of my existence. God has blessed me with a gift. The unconditional love God gives me is undoubtedly something I have not asked for. I did not pray, wish or beg for God to love me – He just does. The thing I know now is I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing. Love is the only thing I will take with me when I pass into the other dimension.

I have been in an argument with God. It is not an easy thing to muster. I feel as if I have been reprimanded as a little child because I have not gotten my way. I feel victimized by the lack of acquisition of work (money) for financial independence rather than more importantly the right dependence upon God. As time passes, I find that the Twelve Steps helps me lose those fears. I can exist in the Light of God and cheerfully perform the next indicated step without worrying about tomorrow.

In the reality of my life, the girl I love with all my heart and I had a lover's quarrel. It was not that I was right or wrong, or that I blame her or my Higher Power for the events occurring in each other's lives, but that I wish to understand. It is not that want her (this can be used in the same situation with God) to do as I command, but that I find peace in my being and comfort knowing we are both safe and sound. Slowly, I have inched in motion circumstances opposite of what I used to do. The misfortunes I have felt I didn't deserve is even slower in resolving, yet each day I find the courage and grace to deal constructively with life and whatever feelings of fear remain. I know God is there. I know God loves me as I also know that the girl I love with all my heart loves me too.


I must write it all out, at any cost. Writing is thinking. It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Serenity for me today is knowing this too shall pass as I know my reaction is keen to understanding my perceptions.

Things Have Gone To Pieces (Or Have They?)

. . . a recent spiritual experience.


I wish I could sing. I wish I could sing so I could cry myself to sleep. Alcohol did that for me in so many different ways, most often sending me into oblivion. I didn't care about anything or feel anything. I didn't care. Food on the other hand let me remain conscious as I was killing myself slowly. It was a slow and painful torture coming very close death. If I seem to be very dramatic, try not to forget that eating abstinently is playing Russian Roulette with a gun (my mind) with three bullets. Depending on the kind of day I have had, the feelings I might be having at the moment, what fears and insecurities I might be having could be a reason not to weigh and measure my food. I will use any excuse to eat compulsively.

Today, I decided to start over – not over in that I am at day one, but that I stop finagling with how I work my program. I try to get away with murder. The best I can do when I do my best thinking is manslaughter – I hurt myself and not anyone else. No one really cares about anyone else except themselves especially when it comes to food. I will fight for that last piece of scrap, that little piece of lettuce that fell off the plate. Being abstinent is not easy. Feelings, fears and people that annoy me can be a huge pain in my boney ass. If I look at my life it is full of complications, situations and people that I have attracted to my life. Sometimes, I wish it was different.

A very wise lady once said that everyone lies about the amount of food they eat, the object is to lie less everyday that one day one will not have to lie about it anymore. The amount or the degree of honesty is what I am working on today. I try to live a guilt-free life, have a conscious contact with a Higher Power and remain in state of vigilance that I am powerless over God, people, places and things. Lack of power is my dilemma. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I can't change what happened yesterday. I can only do today and today it is okay. I am alive, reasonably healthy (Thank You God!), have a place to put my head to sleep and food in the refrigerator (Thank You God, Again!) which I choose to weigh and measure. It is not easy, but one meal at a time, it can be done.

Not eating compulsively and living in sobriety are not easy things to do. Reality often hits hard and quick, finding a spiritual path in which I am able to handle my “feelings” and “thinking” in dealing with life's high and lows is something I am learning everyday. Some days are good and some days are bad, it all depends on my perception and attitude.


Country music to me is heartfelt music that speaks to the common man. It is about real life stories with rather simple melodies that the average person can follow. Country music should speak directly and simply about the highs and lows of life. Something that anyone can relate to. ~ George Jones


Today, I see that being powerless is not being helpless, but that I am empowered by a Higher Power.

A Soldier of God

It is not the messenger; it is the message . . .


Psychologist, Steven Hayes wrote, “Suffering is normal and it is the unusual person who learns how to create peace of mind.” I often wondered growing up what it would be like to go off to war, fight in a battle, come home unwounded, if not alive. The terrible tragedies played in my mind does not come no where near those who actually experienced the reality of war. I love watching war movies for that very reason. It leads my mind for me to believe that I am a faux warrior, a crusader against evil and a soldier for the weak.

The biggest battle I have is the battle I have with myself. As much as I like to believe that I am working a spiritual program; I also believe that I am a piece of crap, a fraud and not worthy of anything good in my life. Then there are the character defects, the hundred forms of fear, my relentless negative thinking and sometimes, the lack of a God consciousness. It is the lack of a conscious contact with a Higher Power during my difficult times I tend to forget that He exists all the time, and not only when life is good and carefree situations are abundant. The only time I remember God is when I want something or I need rescuing from from a severe situation.

Recently, I find myself in a code orange (high) in my personal security advisory system, which means I have a high risk of panic attacks of fear, despair and feelings of uncertainty. At this state, negative thinking runs rampant, emotions are that there is no hope or end in sight. God is no where to be found. I am all alone with my mind and I have no one to help me. Financial security is at a all time high alert. And I don't think this too shall pass.

The thing I realize today that no matter what I do, even if I am cussing up a storm or swearing at God, I am being taken care of by my Higher Power. God loves me no matter what I do or don't do. If I don't pray, He still loves me. If I do my self-will, God loves me. Also I realize there are people worse off then I am. I recently went to see a friend who is in the hospital because of a motorcycle accident. After I and the girl I love with all my heart had visited a short while, my friend decided he wanted to pray. I was humbled at seeing someone who had spent months in the hospital and go through what he had and still rely on a Power greater than himself. I have no reason to complain or murmur about anything. I am grateful for the life I have today.


The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. ~ M. Scott Peck


The deep sense of gratitude is knowing that this too shall pass and I can instantly come back around to it as I realize and adopt a new perception.